Stillborn: Still Loved

   Saturday afternoon my sister, niece, mother and I took a trip to the local zoo.  We thought it would be good to get out and enjoy the sunshine together and the much needed girl time.  We loaded up the wagon in the back of my car and took off.  We got to the zoo with about an hour and a half to spend strolling around looking at the animals.        We got to the zoo and I was so happy to go wander around the zoo with my sweet Adleigh and show her the giraffes she had been waiting to see.  She had been telling me she was going to feed them and ride a baby one and how she wanted one at her house.        As we walked toward the ticket booth, Adleigh decided she wanted to walk and didn't want me to pull her in the wagon, so I hurried back to my car with it, so I wasn't stuck pulling an empty wagon.  That's when it hit me.  There were strollers and babies everywhere.  I'd never have the chance to take Jake to the zoo.  I'd never get to watch his eyes ligh

        When parents lose a child, most would think the parent would lose confidence in God, in the blessings he bestows on them every day.  While this may be true for some, it's the opposite for many.               After Jake passed away a little over two months ago... I began noticing what exactly the Lord had given me that I was thankful for.  I am blessed to have an amazing five year old, a great, supportive , loving family, a car that works, a great attorney to handle my legal proceedings.  I am greatly blessed to have had a hometown funeral home who so generously only charged me for the opening and closing of Jake's grave and a couple of other small things, and who made sure every detail was as it should be.                                                                                               Sometimes these things don't compare to Jake and what a blessing it would be to have him with me... to have had him in my life.  Don't get me wrong I still think of

Every day is different for me.  Most days I feel ok.. strong enough to face the day.  However for the days that I don't feel quite so strong... I know the Lord is always beside me and is Strong Enough. This song fits well into my life and I'm sure many other parents who are grieving.  I know of many parents who are in horrible situations right now.  Each of you are in my prayers...  to the parents of the little boy who shot himself accidentally with his mother's service weapon... to the parents of the boy killed in Tyler today when hit on his bicycle by a car... to the momma and daddy who don't know what the next couple of weeks will bring for your sweet angel... my heart hurts for you. This song has touched my heart more than one would expect.  I had heard it many times before, but it really didn't have such a huge meaning... until I was laying in my hospital room, waiting for my body to change.. waiting for Jake to be born, knowing he'd be born still.  I

This morning I have been feeling ill and trying to relax in bed some before our day gets busy.  As I've sat here I read the blog  a relative of a friend has began as she journeys through grief after losing her 20 year old son in a horrible accident.  Loss and death aren't ever easy. I was reminded of my sweet baby boy and how much I miss him.  I turned to my Bible for comfort and was going to look in the index for a passage... I opened it, and there, my fingers were where God wanted them.  Already circled in my Bible were the words I needed to read.                1 Corinthians 15:58 "Therefore,  my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. " To me, this is the Lord telling me that he knows I am in pain, but not to let this move my faith.  He wants me to work for him,  grow even closer, know his word inside and out.  Lord I am willing. Lord mov

Two months ago yesterday, my son Jake, went to Heaven after being born still.  His big brother Payton, his mimi and I drove out to the cemetery and released four balloons for him. Here are a few of my favorite pictures. My sweet Jake is so very special to everyone!   I can't wait for Jake's headstone to be placed there for him.   Payton all on his very own kissed his balloon before he let it fly to Heaven to see Jake. <3 He's so sweet and loves his baby brother so very much!  Payton saw this Spiderman balloon at the store and decided this is the one Jake needed from him... so that is what he got <3 After Payton sent Jake kisses, I thought his mommy should send him some too! Finally it was momma's turn to release the balloons I had chosen for Jake.  All of mommy's love floating to my angel in Heaven  This last picture is very beautiful to me... Jake's tiny grave is right below the center cross, just outside of the cemetery : )

       When I was released from the hospital two months ago, I came home and was expected to rest and recoup from all of the stress and trauma of losing my baby boy.  But, first I had to plan his funeral.  I had started doing this from my hospital room the night he was born... but was nowhere near through.  I had to choose where he would be buried... who would officiate... what type of flowers would cover his tiny casket.  All I remember is the great hassle it all seemed to be.        Jake's funeral was on a Thursday.  We went to order Jake's casket spray and a standing floral arrangement from a florist here in our hometown the Monday beforehand.  The florist was swamped as it was the day before Valentine's day.  I managed to hold my emotions until the ladies asked what we needed and I sadly had to tell her I needed to order flowers for my son's funeral.  I started bawling.  The ladies asked me what I would like.  I told her I was thinking a standing heart spray and a

         Two months ago today at 10:26pm, Jake would have been two months old.  Two months ago I was dreading that moment when my sweet baby, whom I had carried joyfully inside me for close to 24 weeks would be born.  I was dreading the end.  Two months ago I began this journey through never ending grief. Today Jake's big brother, mimi and I will release balloons in his honor and imagine where they go.  We like to think that Jake plucks them out of the sky from Heaven. : ) Not a day goes by that Jake isn't the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about when I go to bed at night.  It's almost as if everyday when I wake up in the back of my mind I hope that this is all a really bad nightmare and I'll wake up and he'll be here safe and sound with me.  Sadly, everday my reality is still true... there's no waking up from this nightmare.  My sweet Jake is gone.  Soon I will blog about my experience of trying to plan Jake's funer

Happy Easter to all of the other Mommies and Daddies to Precious Angels This will be my first official holiday without Jake.  I think Payton and I will take him some pretty Easter Lilys to put by his graveside.  Earlier last month we took a small blue wooden Easter bunny and a pinwheel... then later added some Easter eggs.  I know Easter is far from being about eggs and bunnies and such... that the Lord died for our sins and rose again.  I'm quite certain Jake knows this, since he is in Heaven.  But he is still a baby to me and my angel deserves a little bit of the Easter other kids enjoy too. :) Maybe they have a special real Easter Bunny in heaven for the Angels I miss my baby boy so very much.  I hate that for my sweet Angel's first Easter - we have to spend it apart... never in a million years did I dream this would be the way things would be. Just remember that although we are sad because our angels are in Heaven... the Lord lost his son too... gave him willingly, f

         Everyone expects the best most of the time... no one thinks that any bad will ever come to them.  It is with a sad heart that I say I am one of those people who is used to watching other people's misfortune and praising the Lord it wasn't me. I could pray for that person or family and volunteer to do whatever they may have needed.  It wasn't until I began having a problematic abusive marriage and was hospitalized after my water broke early with Jake that I realized that sometimes expectations aren't met.         Great expectations seem like the devil to someone who is in pain.  Even while I was hospitalized I tried to keep my good expectations, that somehow my situation would turn around... that my sweet Jake would be ok, and I would have a happy healthy baby boy.  I expected the Lord to do as I wanted him to, even though I prayed for his will to be done.  I expected my husband to turn into a better man than he was and care for his son and wife.  I don't