Stillborn: Still Loved

These are pictures of the sunset from the first day of school. It was so beautiful.  I was privileged to get to see it with my own eyes.  :) Free photo collage generated with Smilebox

  Today in Texas, most parents were hurriedly rushing about the house, fighting back the tears as their children got ready for the first day of school.  Some were taking their babies to Preschool or Kindergarten and some were watching their senior walk out the door to drive themselves to the first day of their last year in school.   I was up bright and early this morning getting my oldest son Payton ready for his second week of school, as he started last Monday.  I read of many mommies who were getting their babies ready for school today and fighting back many tears.  I spent the morning in prayer for each of them.  Praying each had the strength they needed to make it through the morning and the portion of the afternoon before they pick up their precious gifts from the Lord from their first day of school. It wasn't until I was driving back home from Payton's school, that I realized , we baby loss mommies will never experience those tender moments of joy, pride

As of today folks Christmas is officially 120 days away.  That's not long!  Christmas is usually one of my most favorite times of year.   I can celebrate the birth of my savior AND   get to spend time with my family.  I have the pleasure of seeing true joy and wonder in my son's eyes. : ) What more could I want? This year, I am approaching Christmas season with hesitation and fear. My second son, my baby boy who was supposed to be six months old at Christmas this year... won't be here.  He'll be having the best Christmas in Heaven. This makes me hesitant and not sure I even want to have Christmas without him... although all of my favorite people will be there... my oldest son will still be happy... just my sweet angel won't and it makes me horribly sad.   I remember the joy I had in my heart in 2011.  I was 4 months pregnant with Jacob during Christmas.. as my husband and I hurriedly shopped for things for my son I remember saying , just

  Today, Monday the 13th day of August 2012, Jacob's headstone was delivered to our small church home where my sweet baby rests.  On Friday,Jacob's six month birthday, I contacted the monument company to confirm exact date of completion of Jacob's headstone.  The owner explained that it was completed, and that it would be delivered Monday. We agreed to meet at the cemetery at 9:30am.    (Afterwards, I wonder if they didn't deliver it Friday because they realized it was an anniversary and didn't want to make it difficult on me) The gentleman explained to me how everyone that walked by loved his headstone and said " awww, look at the horse".  He also told me that it was absolutely beautiful and he thought I would be pleased.  I left home early this morning that way I could be at the cemetery when the truck arrived.  Payton and I got there about 9am and moved his bees and pinwheel that way the men would have room to work.  Then it was time

Jacob was born still 6 months ago today.  About 5 months ago is when I posted the first picture of Jacob to my Facebook account, after it had been retouched some by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I was so very proud of my precious son.  The sweet baby boy whom I love so very much.  I wanted all of my closest friends and family to see him.  I just knew that everyone would adore him like I did. I was wrong. I began to notice that friends and former co-workers who were once my friend on Facebook were gone.  I didn't realize the reason at the time. Not long later, I was visiting the District Clerk's office where I worked for four years,up until last Fall.  We had a really good visit I thought.  After I left, a lady whom I've gotten to know pretty well called me on my cell phone to let me know that two of the ladies who had once been friends on my Facebook were gossiping about me.. and one was telling the other " She put pictures of her dead baby on her Facebook

I think about Jacob all the time and miss him every day.  

I haven't laid in bed unable to sleep for a good while and I'm grateful for that. A couple of nights ago I randomly woke up about 1:15 and wasn't able to go back to sleep. My pregnancy with Jake and my hospital stay was on my mind. I was thinking about the fact that I wanted professional maternity pictures made, but never had them made... I wasn't expecting to deliver Jake 4 months early. Instead, the maternity pictures I have are ones that I took of myself with my phone.  The first one is from the first time I visited the ER, my mother in law was with Payton in the waiting room and asked me to take one because he could not come see me.  After that I was sent home on complete bed rest... only to come back 2 days later after my water broke.  I shot some while bored in my hospital room one day not long before I was flown to Houston. These pictures depict a mommy who knows she may not see her baby boy moving in her tummy for very much longer. I wanted a picture of

 I put a call in to the monument company earlier this week to ask a couple of questions and was informed that Jake's rocking horse headstone will be ready by the middle or late part of next week.  I was shocked... initially when I ordered it , I was told it would take a minimum of sixty days.  Thus, I was expecting a completion date of somewhere around the 18th of August or later.  Now, it is very well possible that Jake could get his headstone for his six month birthday in Heaven.   I think I was counting on that extra week to get my bearings straight.. to prepare myself for seeing Jake's rocking horse there with him.  Now, I don't have that.  Now, I just have from now until Wednesday at the earliest to come to terms with Jake's headstone being delivered.    I have been looking for the perfect flowers for his vases and I haven't found any that I just love... I know silk is the way to go because in this Texas 106 degree heat.. fresh flowers won

Ok, so I've waited a couple of days to post this because sometimes I feel like I repeat myself over and over again... maybe just change the pictures.  Maybe it's official i'm a broken record after all. :) These lyrics sum up how i'd like Jake to be... just with me - not so much in a song... Yesterday Payton and I were out and about and I decided that we would go visit my Jakey at the cemetery.  When we got there everything was as it should be.  The bee pinwheel I bought for him a couple of weeks ago was standing like it should, his bee and mini yellow pinwheel were standing upright beside it.   I love the big smiles on the bees.   I am saddened though each time I must drive to the cemetery to see my baby boy instead of being able to hold him in my arms.  I am saddened that all I have to see are bees.  Oh how I would love to see my sweet baby boy's big smile.  I know it would've been beautiful.    All I see when I