Tuesday, February 4, 2014

    
The two year mark is creeping closer and closer to reality. Up until today, I've really been fine. Now, it's like two years is really sinking in. I haven't seen Jacob in two years! Today, I called a florist to price a headstone saddle,specially made for Jacob's birthday. The gentleman on the phone politely reminded me that this is the week before Valentine's day and that they were really busy. His tone softened when I told him it was my son's birthday and the size of the saddle I wanted was 12 inches or less.

I couldn't help but instantly think back to February 13,2012 when I had to take the trip to the florist to select floral arrangements for Jacob's casket, and the sprays that would stand alone beside it. That along with many others were the most moments of my life. I remember the first florist I visited telling me they were unwilling to use the flowers I wanted because of their shelf life. They were suggesting flowers that were ugly and old. I just wanted something beautiful for him, and special... not their ugly Valentine's leftovers. Today, again I am searching for the perfect Flowers, but for this time, his birthday. Flowers are one of the only things I can do. I choose to leave something beautiful that everyone who passes by the small country cemetery where he's buried will know how much he is loved. I will go tonight to pick out the flowers for the arrangement, and take them to the florist tomorrow, so that my dream for his new arrangement may come to life.

I'm thinking I will call and order an arrangement of flowers for the hospital's L&D ward as well for his birthday and a tribute to a sweet boy who would have been a great addition to our family.

My heart aches today, and I've been on the verge of tears. I miss my middle child, Payton's little brother and Avery's big brother. <3

Mommy Loves you ALWAYS Jakey!!!