Hard day

Today is my 3 week check up after delivering my stillborn son Feb. 10th. It was so very difficult walking into the office building today, when the last time I was here,  my husband and I were seeing sweet Jake for the first time on ultrasound.  We were so excited... I was 13 weeks pregnant.  Today, I'm not pregnant  at all... and can't see my angel except for in pictures and when I see him in Heaven one day. This is very hard for me... my appointment was at 3, and I've been sitting in this office waiting... watching other mommas come & go .. I'm just ready to be done already.

I finally go back to be seen.. and my nurse acts as if she's never had a patient who's delivered a stillborn before and I kid you not asks me 50 questions, one like this: 'so your baby died inside you?". Really, can you spare my emotions the hundreds of questions, ask the ones you absolutely need to know, then send my doctor in.. I was in tears before she left ... I wish there was a way I could rewind things or fast forward some so that I don't hurt so bad all the time.  I just want to be truly happy again, with both my boys would be great, however I know that ill never have all that I want.  Even if I do achieve happiness once more, i'll never have Jake again.

I miss my baby boy.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Infant and Child headstone ideas

Image
Many times a week I see parents searching the internet for infant and child headstone ideas, as well as stillborn baby epitaphs, and epitaphs for infants.  I hope I can be of some help to all of these parents.  I have been in your shoes, "Googling" all of these exact terms, trying to find the perfect stone and wording for my son's very own headstone.  I know all of these decisions are hard and you wish anyone but you had to make them, but I promise you, you will get through it. << Big hugs to you>> Most of the ideas for headstones below are from the monument company here in Texas that I ordered my son's headstone from.  I'm sure other monument companies across the world could replicate these if you just ask. The first one I came across is Winnie the Pooh.  It is fairly common here in Texas and often used for older children.   Most babies and children are comforted by a teddy bear, why not give them an everlasting teddy with a headston...
Read more

Learning how to tough out hard time and wait on the good

Image
Life as a  grieving parent,spouse, child, friend is diffficult.  We, I, especially am the worst about wanting to go through every hypothetical situation that could've been so I wouldn't have lost my sweet Jacob. He'd still be in my arms now. However, that's not what my sweet Jesus teaches me, as a christian mommy in the book of John, Chapter 11. John, Chapter 11 teaches that even when you feel the Lord is late, he's on time. Mary and Martha called upon the Lord when Lazarus,their brother, first became ill.   Jesus was in a town a couple of miles away and did not immediately go to them when they called him.  Instead, he finished his business in town,a nd went two days later.  Lazarus had passed away; Mary and Martha couldn't understand why they called upon Jesus and he didn't come right away. Jesus loved Lazarus. I relate to them completely. In the hospital almost five years ago - I called and called upon the Lord to touch myself and Jacob, to work ...
Read more

To my Sweet Baby boy

Image
  ╰ ☆ ╮   ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ╰ ☆ ╮ Dear my sweet Jacob,    You were supposed to be here in my arms tomorrow.  Today mommy and Mimi went shopping for groceries.  There were several pregnant ladies out and about.  They made me very sad to see.  I couldn't help but look at them and think that should be me.   I should still be pregnant.  I should be bringing you into the world soon.    You should be in my arms right about now, keeping me up at night.  I should be rocking you to sleep and getting to know each of  your cries, coos and smiles.   After we left the grocery store, I went to buy you balloons to send tomorrow on your due date.  I didn't see any that I wanted.        I have decided that I would rather skip the day completely.  I would love to stay in bed all day and not see anyone or talk to an...
Read more