To my Sweet Baby boy

  ╰☆╮  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ╰☆╮

Dear my sweet Jacob,

   You were supposed to be here in my arms tomorrow.  Today mommy and Mimi went shopping for groceries.  There were several pregnant ladies out and about.  They made me very sad to see.  I couldn't help but look at them and think that should be me.   I should still be pregnant.  I should be bringing you into the world soon.    You should be in my arms right about now, keeping me up at night.  I should be rocking you to sleep and getting to know each of  your cries, coos and smiles.   After we left the grocery store, I went to buy you balloons to send tomorrow on your due date.  I didn't see any that I wanted.  

     I have decided that I would rather skip the day completely.  I would love to stay in bed all day and not see anyone or talk to anyone... not do anything.  I don't want or need anymore reminders that you are not here with me on your due date.  As a matter of fact, if I had my way, I would skip from now until about April.  That would let me skip all of the holidays I would've had with you this year, as well as your first birthday.  It's not that you're not special and that I don't want to celebrate your birthday... it's just that the thought of doing these things without you kills me. 

     Mommy loved you so much and was sooo ready to spend my life making you happy, teaching you how to be an awesome Christian, country man.  I couldn't wait to watch you and your big brother form that unbreakable bond that brothers have.  I couldn't wait to watch you and your daddy play together, and do all of the things that boys do.  I wanted you and your papa to stay up late telling stories and laughing like he and Payton do.  I never once thought for a second that I'd never get to do any of these things. I never thought that you would be taken from me, and that you would become a memory.  YOU ARE MORE THAN A MEMORY to me!!

      To me, you'll always be my baby, my love, the other 1/2 of my world,my angel, my little love, my sweet Jakey-Jake, my Jakester - - - You'll always always always be MY SON! 

FOREVER!  Nothing will ever change that!

         I don't know how many times I can say that I miss you.  I miss you so much that I just want to quit everything.  If I could, I wouldn't go to school, I wouldn't have another holiday, no more 10th day of the month - nothing.  I guess I would just be.  My motivation left the day you left me, and I haven't found it again.  However, I know that no matter how much I feel like quitting, the Lord gave me this big test for a reason and I just can't give up.   I will trudge on and finish school. I will graduate.  One day hopefully I will help other mommies and daddies who are hurting because they have lost their babies, while you have gained a new playmate in Heaven.

         I sure can't wait to see you again and hold your sweet self.  I can't wait to kiss your face and never ever ever have to leave you again.  You most definitely changed my life Jacob Austin, in the Five months, 3 weeks and 5 days you were so close to my heart.  Mommy will never ever forget you.  And, no matter how hard anyone tries - you cannot be replaced.  

      Mommy is still taking care of your lambie for you.  Every single day, I go to sleep with it and wake up with it.  I see it's happy face staring at me and wish like crazy it was you whose face I was looking into.  



Mommy will keep your lambie safe with Payton's for as long as it takes for me to be with you again.

I love you with all of me, miss you more than words can express, need you, and  want you back!

Happy Due Date baby boy,

☆ღ ☆ღ  Your Mommy ღ☆ ღ ☆