Stillborn: Still Loved

Two years has passed since the morning I woke up, and sat down on my couch to find I was leaking fluid. Two years has passed since I told my company that I needed to go the emergency room and they drove me the 50 miles… Two years sometimes still feels like yesterday. I still remember the littlest of details as if this happened yesterday... I can remember laying there in that triage room while the nurses came in and told me that what I feared most, The fluid leaking  was amniotic fluid.   I remember being blind- sided by the on call doctor coming in, and asking me which hospital I wanted to be transported to, so that I could deliver Jacob early, since they were a Catholic hospital and wouldn’t induce labor.   I remember being terrified and extremely upset. I was all alone and my husband at the time was stuck on location in an oil field… I remember the nurse telling me that they didn’t know sometimes things like that happened…but they did and they were sorry. I remember

23 months ago I received the worst news of my life. My sweet precious baby boy whom I adored and loved so much for 23 weeks and 5 days, passed away, and I would become the parent of a stillborn. The next day my son, Jacob Austin, was born still.   He was born into a silent room, filled with the tears of his family members who were still anxiously awaiting his arrival.   He was born into a room full of love.   Over the course of the next three days, my family and I loved him, snuggled with him and then I was discharged from the hospital.   Without him.   My world felt as if it was ending.   A part of me had died when he did.   Happiness was a goal I thought I would never attain again. Frankly, I had no desire to be happy again. My world had ended. My son, who was expecting to be a big brother wasn’t going to be a big brother to a baby boy on earth, but one in Heaven.   I wasn’t the mother to two kids on earth, but one on Earth and one in Heaven.    The week after I came home from