Thursday, May 31, 2012

When there is Hurt, there is a Healer

Christian music has played a huge role in my life as I have been grieving.  I heard the song above many many times before Jake passed away and it was one I knew the words to, yet never really heard until after Jake passed away.  One day, in God's perfect timing I had been visiting Jake at the cemetery and was very down and out, missing my baby boy, I got back into my car to go home sobbing, and this song was on.  It says "I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong... take this world, and give me Jesus... this is not where I belong."  "Where I Belong", Building 429

It is a reminder to me that this world isn't our permanent home.  This journey here on earth will one day end and we will be in our true home, with our Heavenly Father and our sweet babies and other relatives.

Also, this song has just found it's way to radio and I have come to Love it.  
It's called 
"The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe 
They lyrics are as follows:
"Here I am , what's left of me, where Glory meets my suffering, I'm alive even though a part of me has died, you take my heart and bring it back to life, I fall into your arms open wide, when the hurt and the healer collide."

There are so many families everyday affected by the death of a loved one.  I pray that each feel the love of the Lord and know that he is always there, no matter how bad life seems.  

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Flowers and a dragonfly

Yesterday I was in town picking up a couple of things for the house, when I saw this sweet little Dragonfly on a hook.  I immediately thought of Jake and thought this would be sweet hanging on the fence in front of his tiny little grave.  So, I bought it. :o)

Today I drove out to the cemetery to take it to him.  Everyone else was busy doing their own thing, so I went by myself.  Normally, when I go the cemetery I'm sad and cry a lot.  Today I felt a great peace, just driving out there...  I had my radio on my favorite christian station and as I got close and was pulling in the song "Praise you In this Storm" by Casting Crowns was on.  I turned up and just sang.

I got out and walked to my son's grave and put his little dragonfly on the fence, and moved it a couple of times until I found the spot where I liked it the most.  I put it down low, close to him. :o)

Once I placed his dragonfly,  I sat down in the grass beside my baby boy and talked awhile... I know he can probably hear me from anywhere, but I try and talk to him when I'm at the cemetery.  I told him I brought him a dragonfly and how I would go pick him some flowers, since the ones Payton had picked the last time we were there were wilted. 
Beside the church and cemetery there is a pretty big field... as it's way out in the country. It is so pretty and peaceful.  I picked Jake a whole handful of flowers.  There were Bluebonnets, Indian paintbrushes and  also some pretty yellow,pink, white and purple wildflowers.  They were beautiful. 

This is what my handful of flowers looked like before I took it to his little grave.

This picture is of the pretty flowers upon my babies grave. <3
While I was there, a lady and her kids whom I've known forever, came to visit her husband who passed away not long ago.  They brought balloons to release for him, just like we do for Jake.  It was good to see someone else and to feel like I am not alone in loss.  After a good chat, I said goodbye to my baby boy and headed back to the car I'd left running. I opened my car door and was immediately comforted by music again.  On the radio, in God's perfect timing was Matthew West's "Strong Enough".  I sat in awe of the Lord and sang and thought of how thankful I am to have a loving Lord.  Although, I have my bad days... I am thankful for knowing my sweet boy and for my savior who promised he'd be with me through everything.   Have a Great Sunday Afternoon everyone!                              

Friday, May 25, 2012


One day in January while in the hospital on bed rest I was watching TV because there was not much else to do. My bed had one little speaker on my remote/nurse call light.  I often accidentally dropped it off the side of my bed, so I balanced it on top of my tummy and Jake.... I remember him being so mad. :) it was very cute, I videotaped him kicking the remote ( I'll try and add it soon), lol he was probably rolling his baby eyes, going "mommma,  must you put that on me?".  I love those videos now because its the only time I'll ever get to see him move.  I hoped and prayed the song that happened to be playing in the background wouldn't haunt me one day, but it does... Kenny Chesney's song Reality says
"Reality, yeah, sometimes life Ain't all that it's cracked up to be So let's take a chance and live this fantasy 'Cause everybody needs to break free from reality". 

Life for me after losing Jake hasn't been all its cracked up to be, my new reality stinks.  Sadly, there's no taking a break from this either... I'm stuck! 

Not all days are bad now. I don't cry everyday, but I do miss him, I do wish he was still here, I wish he would be coming any day now.... too bad all the wishes in the world can't bring him back to me. 

The reality I used to know and the reality of late are opposites... I pray though, that through this, I will become a stronger Christian and an even better mommy to Payton.  Life is precious and I only get one chance to live to the fullest.  I am trying my hardest to live for Payton and Jake, and be the best I can be. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Jacob Austin Memorial Project

Since my son was born still 3 months ago, I have wanted to do something for other parents who have to do the unthinkable and leave their babies in the hospital or watch them leave with a funeral director, instead of bringing them home.  While in the hospital with Jake, my nurses did an amazing job at making things I could keep as memories forever.  They took pictures of him, they made me extra wrist bands with little duckies on them, even though we never wore them.The nurses the night he was born took the time to make a porcelain mold of his tiny hands and feet, so that I could feel them forever.  Then they gathered all of this and put it in a beautiful box.  On top, they layed a manila envelope, containing his hospital certificate of birth to fill out with his tiny footprints on it and a baby book for babies who had passed away.  I was more than grateful to receive such, when I most definitely wasn't expecting it.  I was a bewildered mommy who didn't know what to expect.  It saddens me to think there are parents who leave the hospital with less than what I did.  That some mommies and daddies only have the pictures in their minds of their babies and not much else.

Another organization that helped me while I was in the hospital was an organziation called H.A.N.D (Helping after neonatal death) , they distribute teddy bears to the hospital in memory of other babies who have passed away.  I was very happy to receive such a soft cuddly teddy bear, and to know that I was not alone.  I however, was not so impressed later on when I went to visit their website on the teddy's ear tag.  The organizations website clearly states to the hospitals that they should only distribute teddy bears to those parents whose babies were over 25 weeks old, because the bears are expensive.  My son was born at 23.5 weeks. My social worker cared about me, and gave me one anyhow.  It seems this organziation wouldn't put that on their website, so the parents who receive them feel like they aren't important, because their babies were younger than 25 weeks.

I would rather no parent feel like I did... so these are my ideas for what I have labeled so far as the Jacob Austin Memorial Project

I want all of the gifts to be in a big pink or blue basket.

I want to start by adding a little stuffed lamb.  My memory box had one, and it was very special and still is because my eldest son Payton, also has a stuffed lamb and it is his most favorite!

I'm thinking of ordering these for other mommies who've lost their angels.

Then, I also want to add a devotional for bereaved parents.  The one I have found is by GriefShare.  My only problem is that not everyone is christian and not everyone would appreciate this.  I haven't yet read this book or studied in the word with with this book, but feel like I would enjoy it.
I want to get this book for parents of  angel babies.  Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy
The night Jake was born was a very hard night for me, I spent all of it crying, and trying to plan Jake's funeral.  I had a hard time finding music that I wanted played at his funeral, or music to comfort me in my time of need.  I know of many mommies who have found great comfort in Natalie Grant's "Held", so I would like to include the album in my basket.
The song Held is on this album by Natalie Grant.. it seems to bring baby loss parents comfort... i'd love to include it in the basket donated to angel parents
Then this idea, just came to me yesterday, I want to include some seeds, so the parents could have pretty flowers in memory of their baby that had to "bud on earth, to bloom in Heaven".  I found these beautiful Teddy Bear Sunflower seeds through Burpee.  I am good friends with a lady who does stationary/paperworks and I'm sure she could make me individual seed packets to split up these big packages of 75.
Teddy Bear Sunflower Seeds
Then to top it off, around the top of the basket I would like to tie a pretty bow.  I have found these two ribbons online, however i'm sure there are many more ideas in actual stores.
baby boy ribbon
Baby ribbon for a pretty bow on each basket

I love helping people, my family loves helping others in need, afterall I am going to have a career helping others... my only problem is that I think my dreams are bigger in this project than the funds.  I haven't added up the exact cost of each basket... but i'm sure it would be $40-$50, so I may have to edit what I do to them sadly. If you can think of any other things I should add to the baskets to distribute to my local hospitals, please let me know.

Today is the Tuesday Bereaved Mommies bloghop, so if you'd like to read about what other mommies are doing in memory of their babies, please click the Bereaved mommies button at the top of my page.  I hope you have a great Tuesday!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Two weeks from now

Two weeks from today is June 3rd.   June 3rd is a normal day to almost everyone.  For some June 3rd is a day they will go to church, come home, relax, grill, sleep... read a book....etc.
  For me, June 3,2012 is a very special day, yet one I am not so much looking forward to.  You see, on October 5,2011, my husband and I  found out that we were expecting a sweet baby, and it would be due on June 3,2012.  December 8,2011 we found out we were having a baby boy and were ecstatic... a little brother for Payton.  The first grandson on my husband's side of the family.  We were naming him on the way home from the doctor's office, and by the middle of the afternoon, he had a name.   He would be forever Jacob Austin. <3

January 22,2012, the date June 3rd , transitioned into a goal, as this was the day I was hospitalized after my water broke prematurely at 21 weeks.  If we could make our due date in June, Jake would be great!   We very much wanted to reach June.

February 9,2012, my sweet Jacob Austin passed away.  February 10,2012 my sweet son was born still. 
Here June 3rd turned into a day of dread, a day where I would not be celebrating my son's birth, but his tiny little life, one he now gets to live in Heaven.  

June 3rd is now a reminder of what I don't have, a cruel reminder that my sweet son is no longer with me. 

As June 3rd gets closer and closer, being the planner type person that I am, I am trying to plan what we will do on that day. How my family and I will remember Jacob.  I was thinking of doing a butterfly release in his honor... but that doesn't feel like enough.  I have felt from the beginning that my sweet Jacob deserves the best, even if he is in Heaven.  He was special.  He is special, and always will be.

For each month we have survived without Jake, my eldest son Payton, my mother and father and I have released several balloons.  Each has some sort of message on it that is special to me... something we want Jake to know.  I've sent one that says "You're so special" and one that says "Thinking of you"... if only they  made balloons that say "your whole family misses you and wishes you were here".... I'd buy 50 and send them to him. Just like the butterflies don't seem like enough for Jake, neither do the balloons... I'm not sure I will find anything that means enough to me to do for him.  I'm sure we will send him balloons anyhow, maybe with personalized handwritten messages attached to each.  Sometimes, I wish I could attach myself to the bottom of a balloon and send myself to Heaven to see my sweet baby one more time, and hug my baby boy and kiss his sweet face.

I know with my family and the Lord, I will get through this day that I dread so much. 
Forever June 3rd will be a day in my mind when I think of all that could have been and the little boy my sweet baby could've become.
I miss you Jacob Austin!

I hope you know how much your mommy loves you, how much your big brother loves you and of course how much your mimi, papa , mawmaw, Aunt Jackie, Uncle Cody and cousin Adleigh love you. You are forever in our hearts and on our minds.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

If you'd stayed a little longer...

Recently I received a newsletter from the baby loss support group I belong to.
In it there was this poem.  I really love it. 
 It touches my heart and speaks volumes of the hopes and dreams mommies and parents have for their babies before they are born.  

These things are something I will never get to do with my sweet Jacob.

If you'd stayed a little longer,
I might have felt you there,
I could've told you that your life
was the answer to my prayers.

If you'd stayed a little longer,
I'd have looked into your eyes,
and giggled when you giggled,
and rocked you when you cried.

If you'd stayed a little longer,
I would have kissed your cheek,
And sang you a lullaby
as you drifted off to sleep.

If you'd stayed a little longer,
I'd have told you of God's love
Instead he gets to show you
as he holds you up above.

I have to stay a little longer,
until my work is through.
So please wait just a little longer,
and I'll come home to you.

It is so very hard most days to not feel cheated.  I miss Jake every single day, all day. Some days are better than others... here lately I feel like all I can do is be sad.  Good things are still happening in my life, but i'm sad.  All I wanted was my sweet baby boy and the good life I feel like I deserve.  I realize that my life is still good, and the Lord is still blessing me.. just in a different way.  

Today I will try and be grateful for what I do have.  
Today I will give Payton extra hugs and kisses and maybe go visit my sweet Jake at the cemetery, even though he's not there, he's in Heaven.

Hope you have a good Tuesday that is full of  more smiles and happiness and less tears and sadness.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Blessings on this Mothers Day 2012

Thursday was Jacob's three month angelversary.

We took two balloons to the cemetery to send him in Heaven.


Each of us wrote Jake a note on this balloon, so that he may have more of our love in Heaven.
Payton even wrote a note for his baby brother

Momma before I sent Jake his balloon

Jake's Big brother Payton with the balloon he picked out
 This star is the one we all wrote messages of love to sweet baby Jake on.

While I was releasing my balloon Payton sat down in the middle of the cemetery in front of someone's headstone.  

I will always be the proud mommy of a beautiful angel boy and of one sweet beautiful boy here on Earth.

I love them both with everything I have.

Thank you Jacob for making me a mommy, for the 2nd time, and reminding me how precious life really is.
  I'm very proud this Mother's Day

Friday, May 11, 2012

Three months already?

Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my sweet baby boy Jake, going to Heaven.  I woke up yesterday morning singing a song played at his funeral.  I lie there in bed remembering him for a few minutes... then I realized that in 3 short weeks he was supposed to be here.  I would be 9 months pregnant by now.  My heart is broken.  I hate that time keeps flying by, getting further and further away from when I last held my sweet angel, saw his adorable little face and kissed him.  I know that as we move further into the future, we also move one step closer to Heaven... it's just the meantime that is so rough.  This weekend is Mother's Day, I am planning on visiting my tiny angel at the cemetery.  We, as a family yesterday, went and sent him some balloons.  Each of us wrote a special message to Jake on one.  Payton, his big brother even made sure to tell us to do like we did last time and send Jake our kisses.  Not long ago, Payton and I were making Jake cards to attach to his balloons, and I asked Payton what he would like his to say, and he said " Love you Jake, come back home to me."  I cried momentarily, because my five year old just echoed my thoughts and wishes.  I so wish Jake was just visiting, and could come back home to us and live forever.

Soon I will post pictures of our balloon release on Jake's 3 month angelversary. 

Until then, know that I am still praying for each mommy and daddy who are given angels.

Thank you Tesha for making my day by making me these sweet graphics in memory of my precious baby boy. <3
Jake will most definitely be forever loved and never ever forgotten.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

International Bereaved Mother's Day

The first Sunday in May is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  It is sometimes too hard for mommies who have lost their children to celebrate Mother's Day with mommies who have living children.  I just want to honor all of my other   fellow angel mommies.   
Happy Mother's Day!

For this mommy, I have a birthday party to go to with my five year old today... I do plan on visiting my sweet angel at the cemetery before hand though.  I miss him so much.  It's very hard to wake up on a Mother's Day and know that although I still have one sweet, precious boy, my other precious boy is in Heaven and I'll spend every Mother's Day for the rest of my life missing him.

I hope each of you have a happy Mother's Day, both today and next Sunday as well.