Sunday, May 20, 2012

Two weeks from now

Two weeks from today is June 3rd.   June 3rd is a normal day to almost everyone.  For some June 3rd is a day they will go to church, come home, relax, grill, sleep... read a book....etc.
  For me, June 3,2012 is a very special day, yet one I am not so much looking forward to.  You see, on October 5,2011, my husband and I  found out that we were expecting a sweet baby, and it would be due on June 3,2012.  December 8,2011 we found out we were having a baby boy and were ecstatic... a little brother for Payton.  The first grandson on my husband's side of the family.  We were naming him on the way home from the doctor's office, and by the middle of the afternoon, he had a name.   He would be forever Jacob Austin. <3

January 22,2012, the date June 3rd , transitioned into a goal, as this was the day I was hospitalized after my water broke prematurely at 21 weeks.  If we could make our due date in June, Jake would be great!   We very much wanted to reach June.

February 9,2012, my sweet Jacob Austin passed away.  February 10,2012 my sweet son was born still. 
Here June 3rd turned into a day of dread, a day where I would not be celebrating my son's birth, but his tiny little life, one he now gets to live in Heaven.  

June 3rd is now a reminder of what I don't have, a cruel reminder that my sweet son is no longer with me. 

As June 3rd gets closer and closer, being the planner type person that I am, I am trying to plan what we will do on that day. How my family and I will remember Jacob.  I was thinking of doing a butterfly release in his honor... but that doesn't feel like enough.  I have felt from the beginning that my sweet Jacob deserves the best, even if he is in Heaven.  He was special.  He is special, and always will be.

For each month we have survived without Jake, my eldest son Payton, my mother and father and I have released several balloons.  Each has some sort of message on it that is special to me... something we want Jake to know.  I've sent one that says "You're so special" and one that says "Thinking of you"... if only they  made balloons that say "your whole family misses you and wishes you were here".... I'd buy 50 and send them to him. Just like the butterflies don't seem like enough for Jake, neither do the balloons... I'm not sure I will find anything that means enough to me to do for him.  I'm sure we will send him balloons anyhow, maybe with personalized handwritten messages attached to each.  Sometimes, I wish I could attach myself to the bottom of a balloon and send myself to Heaven to see my sweet baby one more time, and hug my baby boy and kiss his sweet face.

I know with my family and the Lord, I will get through this day that I dread so much. 
Forever June 3rd will be a day in my mind when I think of all that could have been and the little boy my sweet baby could've become.
I miss you Jacob Austin!

I hope you know how much your mommy loves you, how much your big brother loves you and of course how much your mimi, papa , mawmaw, Aunt Jackie, Uncle Cody and cousin Adleigh love you. You are forever in our hearts and on our minds.


  1. Oh how my heart hurts for you and I know this pain. My Due date was June 12th I think but my calendar was marked May 17th because my babies get induced at 36 weeks.Big sigh I wish I could tell you it was an easy day but it was not. Try not to dread it, I was dreading the 17th so much that I made myself sick. I have been in bed recovering since Friday. You will make it through! Yes it will hurt but you will make it. One mistake I made on that day was being around other people, they let me down in there response to my sorrow and I told them so. Lets just say it was not to pretty :( I am praying for you! Email me if you need to talk or vent and surround your self with support from people that get it.(Big hug)

    1. I'm so very sorry that your day was so rough and that so many people let you down. :( I hate that you're feeling sick. Hopefully you'll feel a little better soon. I haven't made myself sick yet, however all of the muscles in my body are beginning to ache. I'm not sure if I'm just so tense from stress and sadness or what... thank you so much Tesha for being such a great friend and support! I will most definitely add you to my email contacts. :) Hope you have a better night, and get some sleep. I'll be praying for you! ((Big hugs back))

  2. Oh, I adore the name Jacob Austin! :-)

    I will be praying for you on June 3rd. I am sure it will be a tough, emotional day. I myself don't know what due dates are like for those whose babies were born prematurely because Lily was born two days after her due date. But, I know what it's like to have those days that really hurt and remind you of all that should have been. And I know it hurts even more when others don't remember. I actually wrote a post on my blog about days nobody remembers:

    Though we all walk different paths and our stories/baby's stories are so different...our hearts are knit together in our love for them. Jesus is there every step of the way, telling us we can cry on His shoulder. He takes account of EACH of our tears-how amazing is that!

    I hope June 3rd is a peaceful day. I'm sure whatever you decide to do, it will be beautiful. Though, I know nothing ever seems enough.

    I think that's a wonderful, beautiful idea to have a butterfly release! Balloon releases are special too. I had one for Lily's 2nd Heavenly birthday celebration, in March.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

    1. Hannah I adored his name too, from the moment we thought of it. :) It was perfect for our baby boy. Thank you for praying for me, especially on the 3rd when like you say it will be emotionally tough. It is so very hard to have days where everything reminds you of your baby. I'm sorry that people have forgotten dates important to you.
      You are so very right. We do all have different stories, different backgrounds, but we all have the same result.. empty arms and babies in Heaven. This binds us like nothing else can. I am so grateful to have other mommies to turn to in times when I feel like no one else understands.
      I love the idea of a butterfly release. I think though, that I will save that for Jake's First Heavenly birthday. :) Maybe my family and I will buy 15-20 balloons and write messages of our love and how much we miss him on the most beautiful paper we can find and send them to him. For his 3 month birthday I sent him two balloons,and to the bottom of one I tied several wildflowers...maybe I will buy him a pretty bouquet too... even though I am sure Heaven has the most majestic flowers...

      Much Love and many Hugs to you too! Have a good Saturday!