Saturday, June 2, 2012

To my Sweet Baby boy

    ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ 



Dear my sweet Jacob,

   You were supposed to be here in my arms tomorrow.  Today mommy and Mimi went shopping for groceries.  There were several pregnant ladies out and about.  They made me very sad to see.  I couldn't help but look at them and think that should be me.   I should still be pregnant.  I should be bringing you into the world soon.    You should be in my arms right about now, keeping me up at night.  I should be rocking you to sleep and getting to know each of  your cries, coos and smiles.   After we left the grocery store, I went to buy you balloons to send tomorrow on your due date.  I didn't see any that I wanted.  
     I have decided that I would rather skip the day completely.  I would love to stay in bed all day and not see anyone or talk to anyone... not do anything.  I don't want or need anymore reminders that you are not here with me on your due date.  As a matter of fact, if I had my way, I would skip from now until about April.  That would let me skip all of the holidays I would've had with you this year, as well as your first birthday.  It's not that you're not special and that I don't want to celebrate your birthday... it's just that the thought of doing these things without you kills me. 
     Mommy loved you so much and was sooo ready to spend my life making you happy, teaching you how to be an awesome Christian, country man.  I couldn't wait to watch you and your big brother form that unbreakable bond that brothers have.  I couldn't wait to watch you and your daddy play together, and do all of the things that boys do.  I wanted you and your papa to stay up late telling stories and laughing like he and Payton do.  I never once thought for a second that I'd never get to do any of these things. I never thought that you would be taken from me, and that you would become a memory.  YOU ARE MORE THAN A MEMORY to me!!
      To me, you'll always be my baby, my love, the other 1/2 of my world,my angel, my little love, my sweet Jakey-Jake, my Jakester - - - You'll always always always be MY SON! 

FOREVER!  Nothing will ever change that!

         I don't know how many times I can say that I miss you.  I miss you so much that I just want to quit everything.  If I could, I wouldn't go to school, I wouldn't have another holiday, no more 10th day of the month - nothing.  I guess I would just be.  My motivation left the day you left me, and I haven't found it again.  However, I know that no matter how much I feel like quitting, the Lord gave me this big test for a reason and I just can't give up.   I will trudge on and finish school. I will graduate.  One day hopefully I will help other mommies and daddies who are hurting because they have lost their babies, while you have gained a new playmate in Heaven.

         I sure can't wait to see you again and hold your sweet self.  I can't wait to kiss your face and never ever ever have to leave you again.  You most definitely changed my life Jacob Austin, in the Five months, 3 weeks and 5 days you were so close to my heart.  Mommy will never ever forget you.  And, no matter how hard anyone tries - you cannot be replaced.  

      Mommy is still taking care of your lambie for you.  Every single day, I go to sleep with it and wake up with it.  I see it's happy face staring at me and wish like crazy it was you whose face I was looking into.  



Mommy will keep your lambie safe with Payton's for as long as it takes for me to be with you again.

I love you with all of me, miss you more than words can express, need you, and  want you back!

Happy Due Date baby boy,

  Your Mommy
   

15 comments:

  1. Love the letter. It helps me to write letters to Wiley!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Amy! It helped to write this one. I may have to start writing more. :)

      Delete
  2. hugs to you as you pass this milestone

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Elizabeth. This is a milestone I wish I could've spent with Jake, instead of without. :)

      Delete
  3. Oh Gosh I know it is a tough time. This time..... knowing Jonathan should be here is so very hard. I know time will help but please know I WILL BE PRAYING for you tomorrow and this week. Your letter is beautiful, I HEAR your love for Jake. You are a wonderful mommy to your boys. You will make it my friend you are not alone. I love the Lambie so sweeeet, I sleep with Jonathan's bear every night also. Praying my friend PRAYING.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are such a doll! I'm so very glad the Lord led us to each other's blogs
      Thank you so much for the sweet compliments. :) Every single prayer is so appreciated. I too will continue to pray for you as well because I know you're missing Johnathan equally as much! I'm so glad you have a bear to snuggle with as well. Just as you hear the love for my boys, I hear the love not only for sweet Jonathan, but the rest of your children, your husband and even people like me.

      Thank you so much for being so great and supportive. You're an inspiration.

      Delete
  4. What a precious letter to your son! I love how you said he is more than just a memory, but your baby, your son, etc. So beautiful. You and Jake are on my heart. I hope the 3rd wasn't too hard on you <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, and I just looked and saw you added my blog to your "angel mommies friends" list. I wanted to mention that it's actually called "Rose and Her Lily," not "Lily and Her Rose." :) And the url is www.roseandherlily.com Thanks for adding me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry Hannah. :) I apparently forgot what I was doing. I will change it.

      Delete
  6. Thank you Hannah. The 3rd wasn't too horrible. I'll post pictures tonight. We released 10 balloons with notes attached to the strings. :) I held it together until it was time to leave. I hate so much having to leave my baby boy in the cemetery every time I go. Thank you for keeping us on your heart. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. HUGE (((hugs))) to you! I am so sorry you are having to walk this path as well. That was such a precious letter to Jake you wrote. Thank you for sharing! Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jenn thank you so much for your prayers and many (((Hugs)))) to you. This is such a rough place to be in, as I know you know well.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi! Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and leaving such a sweet comment! You can follow my blog by copy/pasting my URL on the left hand side of your blogger dashboard where it says "Add". Then make sure the button for "Add from URL" is checked and just paste mine in there. I used to have a follow button on my blog but then it got to feel like a popularity contest with people following and then un-following and my feelings were getting hurt. :( Silly, I know, but I felt like I had to take that part down. Let me know if this helps!

    Ok, so you are going to think that I'm a total Looney-Toon but my birthday is February 10th and I lost my Caroline when my water broke at 21 weeks. Crazy right?

    Lots of love! xoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hillary thank you so much for explaining to me how to follow your blog. :) I don't blame you at all for taking the button off of your blog to follow you. Sometimes, I think people do get caught up in how many followers they have. In our case, I feel though, like my followers are just other hurting mommies like us. :)

      I don't think you are a looney toon at all for noticing my Jake was born on Feb. 10th, like you and that you also lost your daughter after your water broke at 21 weeks.

      xoxoxo

      Delete
  10. My heart goes out to you , it was a beautiful letter to your beloved Jacob , l too had a still born nearly 22 yrs ago l lost Cassie at full term but it feels like only yesterday.......god bless you xxxxx

    ReplyDelete