Sunday, June 10, 2012

If I had it to do all over



Lying here in bed,
Replaying the last 10 months in my head ...
I have so many thoughts of all the things I would do differently if given the chance.
1.) After seeing the first Dr who waved off my maternal instinct that something wasn't right, I would've visited another doctor. That day, not waited the week until my infection was severe.
2.) I would've removed Payton, Jake & I from the household we lived in with my husband, and lies anger and the stress he caused.
3.) I would not have let my husband convince me to help him move my mother in law when I knew I should be home resting.
4.) When I noticed a pattern of abusive behaviors, we would leave... not stay and hope my husband would realize how horrible he was to me.
5.) I would have requested that my visitors be limited after my husband made my mother cry the first night I was admitted to the hospital.  Subjecting us to that sort of stress wasn't a good idea. There's no feeling like having to worry about yourself,  the life of your baby and worry about having to choose family or your husband.
6.) The night I called to tell my husband Jake had passed away, I would call him out on him having  his new girlfriend  at our house while our son passed away... for being the jerk he was, telling me  not to come home & nothing else when I told him Jake passed away. I'd ask him where his compassion was, and whether he truly ever loved his son or I at all.
I know it does no good to think about what i'd do if I could go back in time, because I can't. I can only keep moving forward, inching towards Heaven and seeing Jake again one day.  These things are always on my mind though... they keep me from sleeping.
My heart hurts. My brain is tired from constantly thinking of all these things... remembering more and more of the past
That id love to forget .. but also want to hold on to.. so that I know how far I've come.
I'm not sad at all, that my marriage is ending to someone who mistreated me so... I'm just sad that my husband so sweetly combined it with losing my precious baby boy.  I'll never forget him text messaging me the morning after Jake was born, telling me he'd filed for divorce. No one deserves that, especially not after the trauma of losing a child.
Please keep me in your prayers for the strength to keep trudging on. I know the Lord is on my side, as well as my family and a few good friends.
Goodnight everyone.
Jessica

10 comments:

  1. Wow friend, I don't know what to say! I guess I'm just thankful that you are away from someone so horrible. Many prayers for a peaceful time for you and one where you are surrounded by only those that truly love you!

    xoxox

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    1. Thank you Hillary. I'm very thankful I'm away from him too... I will be even more thankful when our divorce is over and we're done .. I'm trying to wa

      xoxo :)

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  2. Replies
    1. :) me too! I like to think I wasn't in danger really.... it was more emotional. I know eventually it could've led to more..

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  3. Oh, Jessica...I am so sorry you've gone through so much, in such a short amount of time. :( It broke my heart to read this. I am not with Lily's daddy, which has been really painful to grieve her and in a way grieve him too at the same time. But, he was never abusive. Glad you are out of that!! Jesus is truly ALL you need...He will hold you. <3

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    1. I know your pain, it is hard to grieve. Its hard for me to think that my husband, my sons father probably isn't grieving at all.. we are just a memory. Im sorry you too are having to walk this horrible path of loss alone. (Well, without Lily's daddy anyhow ). I'm very thankful we have the Lord to hold us tight when we need it and to provide all the love and supportI we need.

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  4. Im so sorry, that is incredibly hard and Im glad you have this space to write your thoughts out....just more hugs xoxoxo Nan

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    1. I'm glad I have this space to write as well. Hugs

      Xoxo

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  5. I replied to this yesterday but it must not have shown up. Anyway, I am SOO sorry you are having to deal with all of this on top of grieving Jake. I can't imagine how you are feeling. I will continue to pray for you, especially as you deal with the divorce. I am thankful you are safe. Huge ((hugs))

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  6. Thank you Jenn for the prayers and very sweet words. I'm not sure how much longer my divorce will take... all seems to be at a stand still. I know that I'm ready for all of it to be over. :)

    Huge(((Hugs)) back!

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