Lying here in bed,
Replaying the last 10 months in my head ...
I have so many thoughts of all the things I would do differently if given the chance.
1.) After seeing the first Dr who waved off my maternal instinct that something wasn't right, I would've visited another doctor. That day, not waited the week until my infection was severe.
2.) I would've removed Payton, Jake & I from the household we lived in with my husband, and lies anger and the stress he caused.
3.) I would not have let my husband convince me to help him move my mother in law when I knew I should be home resting.
4.) When I noticed a pattern of abusive behaviors, we would leave... not stay and hope my husband would realize how horrible he was to me.
5.) I would have requested that my visitors be limited after my husband made my mother cry the first night I was admitted to the hospital. Subjecting us to that sort of stress wasn't a good idea. There's no feeling like having to worry about yourself, the life of your baby and worry about having to choose family or your husband.
6.) The night I called to tell my husband Jake had passed away, I would call him out on him having his new girlfriend at our house while our son passed away... for being the jerk he was, telling me not to come home & nothing else when I told him Jake passed away. I'd ask him where his compassion was, and whether he truly ever loved his son or I at all.
I know it does no good to think about what i'd do if I could go back in time, because I can't. I can only keep moving forward, inching towards Heaven and seeing Jake again one day. These things are always on my mind though... they keep me from sleeping.
My heart hurts. My brain is tired from constantly thinking of all these things... remembering more and more of the past
That id love to forget .. but also want to hold on to.. so that I know how far I've come.
I'm not sad at all, that my marriage is ending to someone who mistreated me so... I'm just sad that my husband so sweetly combined it with losing my precious baby boy. I'll never forget him text messaging me the morning after Jake was born, telling me he'd filed for divorce. No one deserves that, especially not after the trauma of losing a child.
Please keep me in your prayers for the strength to keep trudging on. I know the Lord is on my side, as well as my family and a few good friends.