Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Sunflowers

Mommy Loves Her "Son"shines!

After Jake passed away, Payton and I planted a little 4 foot row of sunflowers next to where he and my niece play in the yard.

Today, the first thing I noticed when I came outside as that this one is blooming!

What a way to make me smile bright and early!

Thank you Lord, for such beautiful flowers to start my day off right.

I sure do love those boys of mine!!!

Have a Great Tuesday!

I'm on the blog hop with Tesha today, please join us! :)



Monday, June 25, 2012

Random Triggers

Have you ever been somewhere,and suddenly have a big reminder of your loss?

I know, I know - You never ever Forget!

But, sometimes they can be a little further in the back of your mind.

These are some of the triggers I find bother me the most:
  • Small infants, baby carriers in public and strollers ... I really melt every time I see a sweet tiny baby and always wish I was able to carry my sweet boy with me.
  • Baby aisles at stores - I was at Wal-Mart yesterday, and looking at something totally not baby related.. turned around and realized the baby food and such was right behind me... which got me thinking that if Jake had been born on time, and was 41/2 months old... he'd be about old enough to eat baby food... sadness... as we continued through the store... we decided we should get some baby wipes for the kids who seem to always need them for dirty hands and faces... I almost broke down in tears thinking that I should have some with me... that if Jake were here I would always have baby wipes with me...
  • Other people announcing their pregnancies 
  • Sometimes looking at other people's pictures of their babies makes me sad
  • As happy as I am to read other people's success stories of their preemies coming home from the hospital.... especially micro-preemies... a part of me aches all over again - wishing it was Jacob who was doing so well and coming home from the NICU.

What catches you off guard and makes you sad? Please share them with me.  What helps to relieve them?  

If you would rather not share them in my comments, please email me at Jessica.Stillloved@yahoo.com.

Have a Great Monday night and don't forget to stop by Tesha's Treasures tomorrow for the Bereaved Mommies blog hop... the Link is blue on the top right hand side of my page.

Friday, June 22, 2012

What brothers are for...

Tonight was Jake's older brothers T-ball game.  
While he was playing it suddenly came a downpour. 

 When it first began to rain this rainbow was just forming.
 I couldn't help but think Jake sent it to Payton. :)

 What a good baby brother he is to watch Payton play!!

The sunset was magnificent as it changed as well. I'm happy to announce that his team won both games. :)  

Today has been good here.



Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ordering Jacob's headstone

Hi. I'm so sorry you are here.  If you are looking for ideas on headstones for babies and children please visit the blog address below:
 
Below, is my experience in ordering my stillborn son Jacob's headstone and choosing the perfect wording to go on it. <3 Big hugs to you!
 




The biggest day of my life since losing Jacob and the funeral was yesterday.  Yesterday, was the day I ordered my sweet baby boy's headstone.  I had originally planned on placing the order on Friday, but for unknown reasons, the owner of the company was out of town and would not return until Monday.  

I have been debating for a good while on what I wanted his headstone to say.  I conducted numerous searches on the Internet for infant headstone quotes, epitaphs and so on... I never truly found one that I just loved.  Then, last week I found a website, that now, some people include lyrics of songs on headstones. I decided this was the perfect idea for sweet baby Jacob's headstone.  I would put the lyrics from one of the songs played at his funeral on the back.  

I chose Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks.  The back of his headstone will say:
My Love will fly to you each night on Angel's wings
We Love and miss you
Love, Mommy, Payton, Mimi and Papa

 I had built this day up in my mind so much, that I was shocked that I managed to stay calm and relaxed during the whole process and didn't shed one tear. : )
It wasn't until I returned home, left alone with my thoughts at bedtime that I had any sort of sadness... although I miss my baby boy terribly.  

From the time of my order to the date Jacob's headstone will be finished is approximately 60 days.  60 days means that is should be finished by August 18,2012.  I couldn't help but think how Jacob will be six months old then... and that maybe it would be finished by the 10th for his birthday.  

There it is.

The thought that broke my heart.

No baby should EVER get a HEADSTONE for their BIRTHDAY!!

EVER!

No matter when Jacob's headstone is finished, I will be so very glad to see it.  I am so ready for my sweet Jacob to have his rocking horse.  I am more than ready for everyone to know exactly who Jacob Austin is and how much his mommy and whole family loved and adored him.  

I will post pictures when his rocking horse is done and with him.

Have a Great Tuesday!

 
Today is the Bereaved Mommies link up at Tesha's Treasures... click the link below to join this great blog hop.
teshastreasures

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Almost Wordless Wednesday


Yesterday before huge thunderstorms rolled through town, these dark clouds were looming over head.  I saw this and had to take a picture... if you look closely, it looks like  a heart in the middle of all the grey.



I bought this little patriotic pinwheel for Jake the other day.  I have been wanting to take it to him since Monday and hadn't yet.  It was really bugging me, so today I made Payton get in the car with me and we took it to him.



At Jake's cemetery this huge tree is what I normally park next to.  It reminds that no matter how bad things get like this tree, God is big. I know i'm covered in his love.
Jake's little grave with his new pinwheel

Payton picked him more new flowers

Jake's dragonfly

Love the way the Lord lit up the sky for me on the way home.  This makes me happy!

Sunday, June 10, 2012

If I had it to do all over



Lying here in bed,
Replaying the last 10 months in my head ...
I have so many thoughts of all the things I would do differently if given the chance.
1.) After seeing the first Dr who waved off my maternal instinct that something wasn't right, I would've visited another doctor. That day, not waited the week until my infection was severe.
2.) I would've removed Payton, Jake & I from the household we lived in with my husband, and lies anger and the stress he caused.
3.) I would not have let my husband convince me to help him move my mother in law when I knew I should be home resting.
4.) When I noticed a pattern of abusive behaviors, we would leave... not stay and hope my husband would realize how horrible he was to me.
5.) I would have requested that my visitors be limited after my husband made my mother cry the first night I was admitted to the hospital.  Subjecting us to that sort of stress wasn't a good idea. There's no feeling like having to worry about yourself,  the life of your baby and worry about having to choose family or your husband.
6.) The night I called to tell my husband Jake had passed away, I would call him out on him having  his new girlfriend  at our house while our son passed away... for being the jerk he was, telling me  not to come home & nothing else when I told him Jake passed away. I'd ask him where his compassion was, and whether he truly ever loved his son or I at all.
I know it does no good to think about what i'd do if I could go back in time, because I can't. I can only keep moving forward, inching towards Heaven and seeing Jake again one day.  These things are always on my mind though... they keep me from sleeping.
My heart hurts. My brain is tired from constantly thinking of all these things... remembering more and more of the past
That id love to forget .. but also want to hold on to.. so that I know how far I've come.
I'm not sad at all, that my marriage is ending to someone who mistreated me so... I'm just sad that my husband so sweetly combined it with losing my precious baby boy.  I'll never forget him text messaging me the morning after Jake was born, telling me he'd filed for divorce. No one deserves that, especially not after the trauma of losing a child.
Please keep me in your prayers for the strength to keep trudging on. I know the Lord is on my side, as well as my family and a few good friends.
Goodnight everyone.
Jessica

Thursday, June 7, 2012

More balloons for Jacob



Sunday, June 3,2012 has now come and gone.  For the most part, it was uneventful... I lounged in bed until around 11:30 when I decided no matter how much I wanted the day to go away it wouldn't, and I had to face it. We, as a family carried on in our normal lunch routine and smoked some slabs of ribs, chicken and etc... About 4:30pm we left to buy balloons to send Jake since we hadn't gotten any on Saturday afternoon. It was very hard deciding what to get.We decided on baby blue & brown balloons with white polka dots and also some green ducky balloons that said splish splash or something. Very cute!We then ran several other errands and eventually made it to the cemetery. 

We took time to write notes on baby feet paper I found and attach them to each balloon. What we didn't realize was that each time we did this we were tangling them up. :)   


 We headed to release them and they were in a big glob. This just wouldn't work, so we spent the next hour untangling balloon strings in the 90° weather with the same percentage of humidity. 
We ended up releasing them in about sets of three. 
 

I normally like sending my sweet Jake balloons.  I cannot say my heart was fully in it Sunday. I know Jake knows how miserable I am without him though and all the other happenings in my life currently. 
After we released our balloons, it was almost 7:20pm and time to go home.
I stopped to tell Jake bye.  That was the WORST, HARDEST part of the day. I hate so much having to leave my baby boy there!! Hate it! He should never have had to stay there before me.


The sweet lady at the store putting them in a sack
We got green, brown and blue balloons
When we first got there. : )
I LOVE polka dots and the duckie balloons were super cute too!
Payton always has to pick Jake flowers - these are the ones he picked this time.
Payton's so cute, we were busy trying to fix the balloons, and Payton sat down beside Jake's little pinwheel and said Take a Picture of me and Jake! Oh so Precious! I know he misses him.
Payton wrote a sweet letter to Jake, that was attached to one of his ballons.  It said I love Jake in his best 5 year old handwriting and said Payton at the bottom, with several sweet attempts at hearts around it. <3
I wrote him notes as well... and sent them to Heaven



With a couple of kisses, of course!
We'd been there so long, Payton plopped down to watch the rest of the balloons fly.
I thought the church, tree and steeple made a beautiful picture on Jake's due date.  <3

Saturday, June 2, 2012

To my Sweet Baby boy

    ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ 



Dear my sweet Jacob,

   You were supposed to be here in my arms tomorrow.  Today mommy and Mimi went shopping for groceries.  There were several pregnant ladies out and about.  They made me very sad to see.  I couldn't help but look at them and think that should be me.   I should still be pregnant.  I should be bringing you into the world soon.    You should be in my arms right about now, keeping me up at night.  I should be rocking you to sleep and getting to know each of  your cries, coos and smiles.   After we left the grocery store, I went to buy you balloons to send tomorrow on your due date.  I didn't see any that I wanted.  
     I have decided that I would rather skip the day completely.  I would love to stay in bed all day and not see anyone or talk to anyone... not do anything.  I don't want or need anymore reminders that you are not here with me on your due date.  As a matter of fact, if I had my way, I would skip from now until about April.  That would let me skip all of the holidays I would've had with you this year, as well as your first birthday.  It's not that you're not special and that I don't want to celebrate your birthday... it's just that the thought of doing these things without you kills me. 
     Mommy loved you so much and was sooo ready to spend my life making you happy, teaching you how to be an awesome Christian, country man.  I couldn't wait to watch you and your big brother form that unbreakable bond that brothers have.  I couldn't wait to watch you and your daddy play together, and do all of the things that boys do.  I wanted you and your papa to stay up late telling stories and laughing like he and Payton do.  I never once thought for a second that I'd never get to do any of these things. I never thought that you would be taken from me, and that you would become a memory.  YOU ARE MORE THAN A MEMORY to me!!
      To me, you'll always be my baby, my love, the other 1/2 of my world,my angel, my little love, my sweet Jakey-Jake, my Jakester - - - You'll always always always be MY SON! 

FOREVER!  Nothing will ever change that!

         I don't know how many times I can say that I miss you.  I miss you so much that I just want to quit everything.  If I could, I wouldn't go to school, I wouldn't have another holiday, no more 10th day of the month - nothing.  I guess I would just be.  My motivation left the day you left me, and I haven't found it again.  However, I know that no matter how much I feel like quitting, the Lord gave me this big test for a reason and I just can't give up.   I will trudge on and finish school. I will graduate.  One day hopefully I will help other mommies and daddies who are hurting because they have lost their babies, while you have gained a new playmate in Heaven.

         I sure can't wait to see you again and hold your sweet self.  I can't wait to kiss your face and never ever ever have to leave you again.  You most definitely changed my life Jacob Austin, in the Five months, 3 weeks and 5 days you were so close to my heart.  Mommy will never ever forget you.  And, no matter how hard anyone tries - you cannot be replaced.  

      Mommy is still taking care of your lambie for you.  Every single day, I go to sleep with it and wake up with it.  I see it's happy face staring at me and wish like crazy it was you whose face I was looking into.  



Mommy will keep your lambie safe with Payton's for as long as it takes for me to be with you again.

I love you with all of me, miss you more than words can express, need you, and  want you back!

Happy Due Date baby boy,

  Your Mommy