Thursday, October 17, 2013

Our Rainbow after the storm has arrived

Hello to all of my sweet readers.  It feels as if it's been forever since I've written a word.  I've been so busy!  My precious rainbow baby Avery Grace arrived July 25th.  She was 5 pounds, 2.6 oz and 18 1/2 healthy inches long. 

     Friday, the 25th, started out like any other day.  I woke up, made breakfast for Payton and I, then began cleaning our house.  I cleaned every single surface in the kitchen.  I did the dishes, mopped the floors and cleaned the counters high and low.  Then I moved on to the living room, picking up toys and such... vacuuming.  I stopped to rest briefly, then continued on through the house making up beds and other random things.  About 2:30 in the afternoon I sat down on the couch and noticed I had a really big contraction... I thought I had over-done it and decided it'd be best to lie down.  I went and lied down and timed contractions.  I had two that were 4 minutes apart, then I felt a trickle.  My mother was there and I said to her, I think my water just broke.  I sat up and had a huge gush - Avery was on her way. I was 37 weeks 5 days.  I couldn't believe she was coming.  Adrenaline took hold of the other members of the house and everyone began rushing around getting things ready for me to go the hospital. 

     About 3pm we arrived at the hospital, I was triaged.  I was at 2-3cm.  I was moved to Labor and Delivery room where I was told to lay almost completely on my stomach on my left side, as it aids in labor.  After 5 tries, the nurses got an IV started for antibiotics since I'd just been tested the day before for Group B Strep and they weren't sure if I had it or not.  An hour or so later I was checked and was still at a 3, maybe 4.  About 8 I got really uncomfortable and asked for an epidural.  The anesthesiologist was having trouble with his lines and the process took about 15-20 minutes to complete.  Before he started the IV I was checked again and was about a 5.  After the line had been placed, and I was able to lie down again, I felt extreme pressure, had the nurse check me, and I was complete.  Complete panic set in. 
    
      The nurse was running around my room telling my mother to press the nurse call button on my bed, on the remote, and to also run out the door and holler for someone to come help her.  She had my mother hand her gloves to put on, and she told me to push once. When she did, Avery was there.  The doctor had no time to make it before Avery was delivered.  Avery was welcomed to the world at 9:43pm to the surprise of the hospital staff.  My nurse said that Avery was the first unassisted delivery she'd ever done. 

Luckily she and I were fine and after a couple of minutes waiting on the doctor to finish things up, I got to hold my precious baby girl.  I got to hold a sweet living baby that I'd been longing 18 months for.  It was priceless.  I could only stare at her and think how unbelievably happy I was to have her with me safe and sound. <3  I was and still am extremely blessed.

 Payton, Jacob and Avery's big brother is absolutely 250% in love with this precious girl.  Avery has brought joy back to my life, like I haven't had in such a long time.  I have gladly taken the sleepless nights alone with her.  I rejoice in every single moment I spend with her.  I am happy to hear her wake up and cry.  I grin ear to ear every single time this baby girl smiles at me, and love hearing this sweet baby laugh in her sleep.  Really, she does it a lot. :) I Love It!  This baby girl has my heart.  Thank you all so much for the prayers for a safe pregnancy and delivery.  I know so many mommies are denied that, and I am so very thankful that everything went so smoothly.  Oh how I wish Jacob could've met his baby sister here on earth.  I know he'd be in love just as much as we are.

Monday, May 6, 2013

This stings a little...

Today a good friend of mine from high school is scheduled to be induced with her second baby.  As I was praying for her this morning , her sweet son and her staff at the hospital... I broke down in tears.  It's so hard to watch people do something so normal, when I have been a part of the 1 in 4 who had something terrible happen.  I've experienced stillbirth.  This is the first person who has given birth that I haven't hidden from my Facebook newsfeed... it hasn't been painful to watch her pregnancy... so now, for it to sting surprises me.  I can't help but think what a blessing babies are... and how grateful I am for my children.  Yes, life in the year since Jacob's death has been difficult and hard to bear at times... but I have learned more about myself and my relationship with the Lord than ever before.    I will push through the tears today and thoughts of the bittersweet time I had with my youngest son today...knowing that one day I will see him again.  I will hug his brother tight and love his baby sister even more for him today... I miss you baby boy! <3

 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Tears

Tears are common in grief, especially in the early days,weeks and months following loss. For me the further I move away from loss, less and less tears fall. I have become used to the sadness and pain of losing Jacob and live with it daily.  So yesterday, driving down the road with Jake's big brother Payton to his t-ball game I really wasn't suspecting tears.  My son and my niece were being kids, pestering each other with their feet and toys and funny names... then it all stopped and they were quiet. We were listening to the radio when Payton out of the blue says to me, "momma, I wish Jacob was here." "He would have so much fun playing with me and Avery."  Avery is their little sister (my rainbow, due in August).  I was so sad, I got teary eyed.  If only he knew how much I wish every single day that my sweet Jacob was here with us too. I would love for the boys to be able to play together and protect their baby sister.    I look forward to getting to know my sweet rainbow and teaching her all about her big brother in Heaven. I know he must love her just the same as we do... more than anything. <3

I miss you Jacob Austin! Love you forever!
You'll always be my baby!




This is Payton and Jacob's little sister Avery Grace. <3 I had a dream that is what I named her... it turns out Avery means "from the Heavens"... I love it and can't wait to meet my sweet rainbow!



Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Infant and Child headstone ideas

Many times a week I see parents searching the internet for infant and child headstone ideas, as well as stillborn baby epitaphs, and epitaphs for infants.  I hope I can be of some help to all of these parents.  I have been in your shoes, "Googling" all of these exact terms, trying to find the perfect stone and wording for my son's very own headstone.  I know all of these decisions are hard and you wish anyone but you had to make them, but I promise you, you will get through it. << Big hugs to you>>

Most of the ideas for headstones below are from the monument company here in Texas that I ordered my son's headstone from.  I'm sure other monument companies across the world could replicate these if you just ask.

The first one I came across is Winnie the Pooh.  It is fairly common here in Texas and often used for older children.

Clyde Partin Monument Co. Inc. | Family Owned and Operated Since 1934
 
Most babies and children are comforted by a teddy bear, why not give them an everlasting teddy with a headstone like this one below?
Clyde Partin Monument Co. Inc. | Family Owned and Operated Since 1934
 
The particular company that created my son's headstone as well as the two  above, also have a headstone in the shape of sweet little lamb, that has daisies and grass at it's feet. 
Sweet lamb headstone
 
Since we live in Texas, and all country boys need a good horse, I chose the headstone above for my stillborn son.  This stone was customized to my wants and is perfect for my precious boy.
 
Some cemeteries employ restrictions such as no upright headstones and only flat grave markers may be used.  Below are some design ideas:
 
This one pictures a sweet cherub and a lamb. This image was found on http://www.fortworthmonument.com/gallery.nxg
Infant Memorial 3
 
If you would like a flat grave marker without the bronze, most monument companies offer etching and have books with hundreds of pictures available for you to place on the stone you have chosen.  These pictures include all animal types, angels, crosses, even hobbies. They try to accommodate everyone's likes.  Most of the time you may also add a photo for an even more personal touch.
 
When you finally decide to pursue ordering a headstone for your sweet baby or precious child, please do not be discouraged for fear of not being able to pay for the whole stone at one time.  Most companies I have found offer payment plans.  For instance, I paid a deposit for half the cost of the stone up front, and was billed for the other half, once it had been placed.  This takes some of the strain off of your already hurting hearts and wallets.
 
Wording was the biggest challenge I found in ordering Jacob's headstone.  I wanted it to be perfect as I knew it would be with my sweet boy long after I am in Heaven with him.  I one time read where sometimes song lyrics are used as an epitaph and that is what I chose.  However, there are other sweet sayings you can put on your baby's headstone.
 
  • "A tiny flower, lent not given, to bud on earth, and bloom in heaven"
  • " You didn't have enough time to make handprints on our walls, instead you left fingerprints on our hearts"
  • "A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts"
I hope this has helped some. I know the process of memorial shopping is difficult and overwhelming.  Please message me at Jessica.Stillloved@yahoo.com if there's anything I can help you with in shopping for the perfect headstone for your baby.
 

Monday, March 25, 2013

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's way


 
Here comes Peter Cottontail... hopping down the bunny trail...
 
but my tiniest boy isn't here for Easter this year either.  It seems so unreal that this will already be my second year without Jake.   My baby boy should be toddling around as fast as his little legs could take him to each Easter egg hiding place.  This week he should be having his first experience with dunking his tiny fingers and eggs into cups of dye, and turning them colors for the perfect Easter weekend... But even more, he should be here with his family to learn about Jesus dying on the cross, being buried, and him rising again... That's most important.  I know he probably already knows everything he needs to know now, in Heaven.  I just wish I could've taught him.
 
I'm sure the Easter Bunny will visit my sweet baby Jake's little spot out in the country and leave a giant Easter egg or two... just for decoration.
Easter Bunny
 
This Easter hasn't hit me quite as hard as last year, yet.  I know it is coming.  I miss Jacob... oh how I wish he were here.  Here in the last week or so I've come in contact with several toddlers who just turned one.  Each time it has broken my heart a little bit more.  I have a boy their age, he's just wating for his mommy to be done working on earth and to come see him in Heaven.
 
I'm working baby, as fast as I can... don't you worry. <3
 
Be home soon my love.
 
Big hugs and kisses to the one I love.
I Love You oh so Much!!
Mommy
 
 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Springtime Flowers for my Bud in Heaven

 
Not long ago I was strolling around our local Wal-Mart for various and assorted things we needed around the house.  I've been wanting for a good while to plant Jacob some flowers, so I ventured out to their garden center.  I found so many beautiful flowers, it was all I could do not to buy one of them all. :)  I bought two pots of these daffodils. I believe they were $1.30 a piece.
 
 
I also found these purple petunias, and decided they would look great in front of Jacob's headstone.
 
In addition to the Petunias and Peach and White daffodils, I also bought these yellow daffodils and two brilliantly red tulips.  These were about $.82 a piece.
 
Later, I purchased a planter box and potting soil, went home and dug my fingers into the dirt and placed them all like I wanted them, then drove them to my baby boy.
 
This is the arrangement in front of his headstone.  I planted the peach/white daffodils on either end of his headstone.
 
A couple of days later I found this adorable little ladybug, and took it to him as well.
 It compliments his flowers so nicely.
  I think my baby boy's little spot is nice and ready for the first day of Spring today.
 
Happy 1st day of Spring everyone!
 
Love and miss you Jacob Austin!
 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Jake's Birthday Photos

It has been almost a month since Jacob's first birthday in Heaven.  For the most part we had a good day as a family.  As always, I had a hard time leaving my sweet baby boy at the cemetery.  I hated for his little body to be there all by himself on his birthday.  After we released our balloons we came home  as a family and ate a small lunch and birthday cake.  It was a good day... one with some tears and great memories of a precious boy, gone too soon.

 These tags were attached to the bottom of the 20 balloons we released.
 
 momma before I handed out the balloons for release
 
Jake's papa also held some... he thought he was being funny :)
 
Jake's big brother, Uncle Cody and Aunt Jackie
This is my 3 yr old niece holding hers to send to Jake
 
away they flew...

 fly to Heaven
Jake's First Birthday Cake
 

The same stationer friend that created the balloon tags, also created these memorial cards for Jacob's first birthday.  They have the poem 'Just the Same' by Anne Peterson on them, as well as his birth information. 
 
Happy 1st Birthday baby boy!
 

 

 
 


Sunday, February 10, 2013

Dear Jacob

Baby Boy,

A year has come and gone since I first learned that a band of angels had come and taken you home on that sweet chariot.  My heart has been broken for a whole year.  All of the hopes and dreams I had for you are long gone and in their place lies what could've beens and what should've beens.  Although you don't live here with me, people everywhere are learning from you, and what you've taught me.  Because of you 65 other hurting angel mommies have somewhere to turn on sad days.

Today is your first birthday.  Yesterday I picked up your birthday cake. It's vanilla, with vanilla buttercream frosting.  I'm not sure why I ordered it so plain... when there was so many flavors to choose from.  Your sweet little cake has blue and green fondant polka dots around the edge, and a big blue elephant on top of the cake, beside a little circle that says 'ONE'. I really love it.

Oh, how I wish you could be here to see it, and have your first big taste of pure deliciousness.

I wish I could've been  picking out the perfect presents this week for your first birthday,ones that you would play with all day long if you just could, and of course momma would have found you the most handsome outfit around for your first birthday pictures and the smash - cake session all babies need. <3

I so wish more than anything I could just scoop you up from your little teetery tottery - wobbly little legs that are carrying you around as fast as you can go and give you hugs and so many kisses.

More than that, more than anything else... I WISH you were HERE!

I know Heaven is perfect beyond my worldly imagination... it's just my heart and arms need you, long to have you with me.

That will never change. Ever.

I hope you had a Happy Heaven Day Yesterday my sweet baby love. <3

We're sending you balloons today - twenty to be exact  - so be watching for them.  I picked them out especially for you Jakey.

Happy First Birthday Baby Boy!

Sending you millions of hugs and kisses all day long... I can't wait to see you again!

Love you with all of my heart, and miss you beyond measure.

Love,
Your Mommy


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Ordering Jake's Cake

Today, I finally bit the bullet, so to speak and ordered Jacob's first Birthday cake.  I was fine walking into the bakery, fine standing there at the front counter asking who I needed to talk to about placing the order. 
 
Then, Fine ended.
 
Then, I had to tell the sweet lady at the counter that I wanted one 8" round cake, with white fondant and that it needed baby blue and green polka dots around the edge, adorned with a fondant elephant on top, and I requested that the word "ONE" be spelled out in fondant around the edge as well.
Pinned Image
 
Maybe his cake will look like this one...obviously with different colors
or hopefully it'll have more polka dots like this one..
Pinned Image
 
I got teary eyed, my voice was wavering... I'm sure the cashier really wondered why I was crying ordering my son's birthday cake.  I didn't offer an explanation.  I didn't want to have to break down at the bakery counter, telling the lady that my sweet baby, whose birthday is Sunday won't even get to taste his little cake.  I didn't want to have to attempt to explain that his birthday party will just be his family who loves him and misses him so incredibly much.  He will have no tiny friends there to play with.  There will be no presents to open.
 
 
Since I didn't speak to the lady who normally does our orders, I'm nervous as to what his cake will look like, and hope it reflects my vision...  as his birthday gets closer and closer, it's just five days away I feel like I'm beginning to shut down.  Just like I did in the beginning after I first lost Jacob. I have no interest in going anywhere, in doing anything or seeing anyone.  Days are becoming  blahhh again. :(
 
We will have a balloon release Sunday in honor of  Jacob's first birthday in Heaven. I had a good friend of the family who is a stationer, create balloon tags and memory cards  much like these cupcake picks for his birthday. I haven't seen them yet , but know they will be perfect.
Pinned Image

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Almost a Year...

 
The countdown is on, in eleven whole days my baby boy, my angel baby, will be one, and I am a complete and total mess.  Everything is overwhelming me.  I am trying to coordinate his birthday event, which will be small.. maybe just a small balloon release, and  a cake.  The thought of having his birthday cake without him kills me.  I thought I had accepted the fact that my sweet baby boy is in Heaven, and I have. . . But the it's not fair thoughts keep coming back.  It makes it hard to lay in bed at night... I want to talk, to tell someone.  I tell my husband, and he listens, but he doesn't always understand.  He and his ex-wife had experienced miscarriage together, but not stillbirth, he doesn't understand how I am still so upset over losing Jacob. He tends to compare my grief to that of his ex sister in law who also experienced infant loss... and tells me that he doesn't think she even cares... and how he is sure that she is not still upset.  It is hard having to feel like I somehow need to defend my right to grieve ... and my right to grieve events that will never happen.  I understand he is trying to help... sometimes just a hug would be nice... no explanation...Sorry for the long vent... I just needed to talk. :)  Hope you all have a good week.  I am going to try hard to finish planning Jake's birthday celebration and make up baskets for the hospital finally, after one year of wanting to do it.
Do not judge the bereaved mother.
 
 
Grieving mother

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

One year ago...

2013 has just barely begun, and the one year anniversaries are all quickly rolling around.  If my memory serves me correctly, one year ago today, I visited my doctor, hoping to have some explanation as to why I was spotting.  My concerns were dismissed and I was prescribed medicine for an infection I didn't have.  The next day, I got to see my sweet baby Jake on ultrasound for the second time, this time he was 18 weeks. He was so energetic and happy, rolling all around. The ultrasound tech could hardly take his measurements for that baby's wiggles. :)  For the next five days I took the medicine I had been prescribed, and in a couple more days I will have visited the emergency room for worsened bleeding.  I began watching my used to be favorite show during pregnancy, "A Baby Story", and saw a show where the parents were delivering their rainbow, after first having a stillborn.  They made baskets for parents, much like many of us desire to do now. I remember sitting on the couch, staring at Jake's new ultrasound pictures, crying, telling him that nothing like that would ever happen to him...

little did I know what was to come in the next two weeks... I didn't know I'd be in the hospital, attempting to convince everyone around me that his life was precious and worth saving.

As these anniversaries keep coming, problems from early grief, like insomnia have returned, and again I am reliving each and every event leading up to my admittance into the hospital and Jake's home-going to Heaven. <3

I'm not sure how I feel yet about the next month... I almost want time to stand still, so I can sit back and get my feelings together. Then again I almost just want these painful firsts to be over, and we can work on getting through the next set that hopefully will lessen just a little.