Ordering Jake's Cake

Today, I finally bit the bullet, so to speak and ordered Jacob's first Birthday cake.  I was fine walking into the bakery, fine standing there at the front counter asking who I needed to talk to about placing the order. 
 
Then, Fine ended.
 
Then, I had to tell the sweet lady at the counter that I wanted one 8" round cake, with white fondant and that it needed baby blue and green polka dots around the edge, adorned with a fondant elephant on top, and I requested that the word "ONE" be spelled out in fondant around the edge as well.
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Maybe his cake will look like this one...obviously with different colors
or hopefully it'll have more polka dots like this one..
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I got teary eyed, my voice was wavering... I'm sure the cashier really wondered why I was crying ordering my son's birthday cake.  I didn't offer an explanation.  I didn't want to have to break down at the bakery counter, telling the lady that my sweet baby, whose birthday is Sunday won't even get to taste his little cake.  I didn't want to have to attempt to explain that his birthday party will just be his family who loves him and misses him so incredibly much.  He will have no tiny friends there to play with.  There will be no presents to open.
 
 
Since I didn't speak to the lady who normally does our orders, I'm nervous as to what his cake will look like, and hope it reflects my vision...  as his birthday gets closer and closer, it's just five days away I feel like I'm beginning to shut down.  Just like I did in the beginning after I first lost Jacob. I have no interest in going anywhere, in doing anything or seeing anyone.  Days are becoming  blahhh again. :(
 
We will have a balloon release Sunday in honor of  Jacob's first birthday in Heaven. I had a good friend of the family who is a stationer, create balloon tags and memory cards  much like these cupcake picks for his birthday. I haven't seen them yet , but know they will be perfect.
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Comments

  1. KimFebruary 5, 2013 at 7:14 PM

    I am sorry you have to go through this. It is so unfair. Your sweet boy should be here to eat his cake and enjoy his birthday. Allow yourself time to grieve. This is a huge hard milestone. Thinking of you with lots of love and hugs♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JessicaFebruary 6, 2013 at 10:25 AM

      Thank you Kim. I will try my hardest to allow myself the time I need to grieve, without focusing too much on the needs of everyone around me. This is exremely hard and unfair. Big hugs back!!

      Delete
  2. UnknownFebruary 5, 2013 at 9:32 PM

    Oh Gosh I know that was difficult. I will be thinking of you and praying for you as sweet Jake's first Birthday approaches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JessicaFebruary 6, 2013 at 10:26 AM

      Thank you so much Tesha for your continued prayers and thoughts. <3

      Delete

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