Sunday, February 10, 2013

Dear Jacob

Baby Boy,

A year has come and gone since I first learned that a band of angels had come and taken you home on that sweet chariot.  My heart has been broken for a whole year.  All of the hopes and dreams I had for you are long gone and in their place lies what could've beens and what should've beens.  Although you don't live here with me, people everywhere are learning from you, and what you've taught me.  Because of you 65 other hurting angel mommies have somewhere to turn on sad days.

Today is your first birthday.  Yesterday I picked up your birthday cake. It's vanilla, with vanilla buttercream frosting.  I'm not sure why I ordered it so plain... when there was so many flavors to choose from.  Your sweet little cake has blue and green fondant polka dots around the edge, and a big blue elephant on top of the cake, beside a little circle that says 'ONE'. I really love it.

Oh, how I wish you could be here to see it, and have your first big taste of pure deliciousness.

I wish I could've been  picking out the perfect presents this week for your first birthday,ones that you would play with all day long if you just could, and of course momma would have found you the most handsome outfit around for your first birthday pictures and the smash - cake session all babies need. <3

I so wish more than anything I could just scoop you up from your little teetery tottery - wobbly little legs that are carrying you around as fast as you can go and give you hugs and so many kisses.

More than that, more than anything else... I WISH you were HERE!

I know Heaven is perfect beyond my worldly imagination... it's just my heart and arms need you, long to have you with me.

That will never change. Ever.

I hope you had a Happy Heaven Day Yesterday my sweet baby love. <3

We're sending you balloons today - twenty to be exact  - so be watching for them.  I picked them out especially for you Jakey.

Happy First Birthday Baby Boy!

Sending you millions of hugs and kisses all day long... I can't wait to see you again!

Love you with all of my heart, and miss you beyond measure.

Love,
Your Mommy


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Ordering Jake's Cake

Today, I finally bit the bullet, so to speak and ordered Jacob's first Birthday cake.  I was fine walking into the bakery, fine standing there at the front counter asking who I needed to talk to about placing the order. 
 
Then, Fine ended.
 
Then, I had to tell the sweet lady at the counter that I wanted one 8" round cake, with white fondant and that it needed baby blue and green polka dots around the edge, adorned with a fondant elephant on top, and I requested that the word "ONE" be spelled out in fondant around the edge as well.
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Maybe his cake will look like this one...obviously with different colors
or hopefully it'll have more polka dots like this one..
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I got teary eyed, my voice was wavering... I'm sure the cashier really wondered why I was crying ordering my son's birthday cake.  I didn't offer an explanation.  I didn't want to have to break down at the bakery counter, telling the lady that my sweet baby, whose birthday is Sunday won't even get to taste his little cake.  I didn't want to have to attempt to explain that his birthday party will just be his family who loves him and misses him so incredibly much.  He will have no tiny friends there to play with.  There will be no presents to open.
 
 
Since I didn't speak to the lady who normally does our orders, I'm nervous as to what his cake will look like, and hope it reflects my vision...  as his birthday gets closer and closer, it's just five days away I feel like I'm beginning to shut down.  Just like I did in the beginning after I first lost Jacob. I have no interest in going anywhere, in doing anything or seeing anyone.  Days are becoming  blahhh again. :(
 
We will have a balloon release Sunday in honor of  Jacob's first birthday in Heaven. I had a good friend of the family who is a stationer, create balloon tags and memory cards  much like these cupcake picks for his birthday. I haven't seen them yet , but know they will be perfect.
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