Stillborn: Still Loved

  The countdown is on, in eleven whole days my baby boy, my angel baby, will be one, and I am a complete and total mess.  Everything is overwhelming me.  I am trying to coordinate his birthday event, which will be small.. maybe just a small balloon release, and  a cake.  The thought of having his birthday cake without him kills me.  I thought I had accepted the fact that my sweet baby boy is in Heaven, and I have. . . But the it's not fair thoughts keep coming back.  It makes it hard to lay in bed at night... I want to talk, to tell someone.  I tell my husband, and he listens, but he doesn't always understand.  He and his ex-wife had experienced miscarriage together, but not stillbirth, he doesn't understand how I am still so upset over losing Jacob. He tends to compare my grief to that of his ex sister in law who also experienced infant loss... and tells me that he doesn't think she even cares... and how he is sure that she is not still upset.  It is hard having to

2013 has just barely begun, and the one year anniversaries are all quickly rolling around.  If my memory serves me correctly, one year ago today, I visited my doctor, hoping to have some explanation as to why I was spotting.  My concerns were dismissed and I was prescribed medicine for an infection I didn't have.  The next day, I got to see my sweet baby Jake on ultrasound for the second time, this time he was 18 weeks. He was so energetic and happy, rolling all around. The ultrasound tech could hardly take his measurements for that baby's wiggles. :)  For the next five days I took the medicine I had been prescribed, and in a couple more days I will have visited the emergency room for worsened bleeding.  I began watching my used to be favorite show during pregnancy, "A Baby Story", and saw a show where the parents were delivering their rainbow, after first having a stillborn.  They made baskets for parents, much like many of us desire to do now. I remember sitting on