Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Almost a Year...

The countdown is on, in eleven whole days my baby boy, my angel baby, will be one, and I am a complete and total mess.  Everything is overwhelming me.  I am trying to coordinate his birthday event, which will be small.. maybe just a small balloon release, and  a cake.  The thought of having his birthday cake without him kills me.  I thought I had accepted the fact that my sweet baby boy is in Heaven, and I have. . . But the it's not fair thoughts keep coming back.  It makes it hard to lay in bed at night... I want to talk, to tell someone.  I tell my husband, and he listens, but he doesn't always understand.  He and his ex-wife had experienced miscarriage together, but not stillbirth, he doesn't understand how I am still so upset over losing Jacob. He tends to compare my grief to that of his ex sister in law who also experienced infant loss... and tells me that he doesn't think she even cares... and how he is sure that she is not still upset.  It is hard having to feel like I somehow need to defend my right to grieve ... and my right to grieve events that will never happen.  I understand he is trying to help... sometimes just a hug would be nice... no explanation...Sorry for the long vent... I just needed to talk. :)  Hope you all have a good week.  I am going to try hard to finish planning Jake's birthday celebration and make up baskets for the hospital finally, after one year of wanting to do it.
Do not judge the bereaved mother.
Grieving mother

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

One year ago...

2013 has just barely begun, and the one year anniversaries are all quickly rolling around.  If my memory serves me correctly, one year ago today, I visited my doctor, hoping to have some explanation as to why I was spotting.  My concerns were dismissed and I was prescribed medicine for an infection I didn't have.  The next day, I got to see my sweet baby Jake on ultrasound for the second time, this time he was 18 weeks. He was so energetic and happy, rolling all around. The ultrasound tech could hardly take his measurements for that baby's wiggles. :)  For the next five days I took the medicine I had been prescribed, and in a couple more days I will have visited the emergency room for worsened bleeding.  I began watching my used to be favorite show during pregnancy, "A Baby Story", and saw a show where the parents were delivering their rainbow, after first having a stillborn.  They made baskets for parents, much like many of us desire to do now. I remember sitting on the couch, staring at Jake's new ultrasound pictures, crying, telling him that nothing like that would ever happen to him...

little did I know what was to come in the next two weeks... I didn't know I'd be in the hospital, attempting to convince everyone around me that his life was precious and worth saving.

As these anniversaries keep coming, problems from early grief, like insomnia have returned, and again I am reliving each and every event leading up to my admittance into the hospital and Jake's home-going to Heaven. <3

I'm not sure how I feel yet about the next month... I almost want time to stand still, so I can sit back and get my feelings together. Then again I almost just want these painful firsts to be over, and we can work on getting through the next set that hopefully will lessen just a little.