Wednesday, January 9, 2013

One year ago...

2013 has just barely begun, and the one year anniversaries are all quickly rolling around.  If my memory serves me correctly, one year ago today, I visited my doctor, hoping to have some explanation as to why I was spotting.  My concerns were dismissed and I was prescribed medicine for an infection I didn't have.  The next day, I got to see my sweet baby Jake on ultrasound for the second time, this time he was 18 weeks. He was so energetic and happy, rolling all around. The ultrasound tech could hardly take his measurements for that baby's wiggles. :)  For the next five days I took the medicine I had been prescribed, and in a couple more days I will have visited the emergency room for worsened bleeding.  I began watching my used to be favorite show during pregnancy, "A Baby Story", and saw a show where the parents were delivering their rainbow, after first having a stillborn.  They made baskets for parents, much like many of us desire to do now. I remember sitting on the couch, staring at Jake's new ultrasound pictures, crying, telling him that nothing like that would ever happen to him...

little did I know what was to come in the next two weeks... I didn't know I'd be in the hospital, attempting to convince everyone around me that his life was precious and worth saving.

As these anniversaries keep coming, problems from early grief, like insomnia have returned, and again I am reliving each and every event leading up to my admittance into the hospital and Jake's home-going to Heaven. <3

I'm not sure how I feel yet about the next month... I almost want time to stand still, so I can sit back and get my feelings together. Then again I almost just want these painful firsts to be over, and we can work on getting through the next set that hopefully will lessen just a little.


  1. Oh my goodness I feel the same way. Grief seems fresh a gain as I approach Jonathan's birthday and all the days that lead up to it. Praying for you during this hard time.

    1. Its funny how after a whole year, our grief has come full circle back to feeling so fresh. Praying for you as well leading up to Jonathan's birthday.

  2. I am showing my support by nominating you for the Leibster Award.