Stillborn: Still Loved

This morning I woke up much earlier than I normally do these days, and my sweet Jake was on my mind.  I began thinking back to the events leading up to Jakes death and birth.  I wanted to relive all of those moments... so I don't forget anything.  I don't want to forget Jake's story.  I want to remember the days after his birth, even though it was monstorous pain and agony.  I remember very well on the morning I was to be dismissed waking up about 6:30 am,. trudging over to the sink to brush my teeth, then slowly walking back to where my clothes were and getting dressed.  I had been in the hospital for 3 weeks... 21 days of laying in bed... not allowed to get up, and of watching tv.  I was more than ready to go home.  I no longer had any reason to gladly stay.  Being in the hospital reminded me of what I would never have.  The perinatologist who took care of me while Jake was born and was responsible for my after care normally made her rounds at night.  I began calling my n

This poem I feel speaks for all parents and relatives of babies who are angels in Heaven. Jake is still my baby and I love him just the same! I never got to hold you & bounce you on my lap, I never got to read to you or watch you as you nap. You slipped away so quickly, before I said your name. And yet I want the world to know I loved you just the same. -Anne Peterson

I found this poem not long ago on a site that is dedicated to grieving parents.  It is so very sweet and touching, yet heartbreaking as well.  I hope you smile and think of your sweet angel in Heaven like I did. I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say: A mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today, If you could see your child smile, With other children who say: We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and

For a very long time I thought of cemeteries as dark dreadful places that I found sort of scary and thought it was  a place to be avoided.  It wasn't until after I lost my son that my thoughts have changed. Cemeteries are not dark and scary at all, but a place of love and the light of the Lord. In my opinion, most people don't know how much trouble it is to find the perfect headstone and words for loved ones.    You don't realize until you've lost someone so very close to you how many families before you have been there and done that already.  After Jacob passed away, I began the search for the perfect headstone for his tiny grave.  I found one that I adore, shaped like a rocking horse.  There are 5 here in East Texas according to the monument maker.  Some days when we have lots of time, my family and I will stop by cemeteries near our hometown to see if we can see another one.  It is very saddening to see all of the families who have lost infants and small children.  Y

I think of my sweet angel many times a day.. more than I can count... but sometimes songs make me think of him more... sometimes my thoughts are happy, others make me cry.  Music is such a powerful outlet...that says exactly what we are feeling... I've picked my top five favorite songs after Jake's death.  This first one was played at his funeral a little over a month ago: Heaven Song by Phil Wickham I really love this song for what it says... "you said you'll be coming for me, coming for me soon... oh my God I'll be ready for you... I can't wait to join the angels and sing my Heaven Song" I know Jake is with the Angels and is happy running through the green pastures in Heaven. Next on my list is one that makes me cry pretty much every time I hear it.  This song was supposed to be played at Jake's funeral,but for one reason or another, the radio the funeral home provided quit working for this song... they didn't get it fixed until closer t

Today it has been one month and four days since Jake went to live in Heaven. Today, I'm at a loss for words. Sure, I've gotten more used to the idea that he's gone and I won't see him again until I get to Heaven... I can carry on with my days for the most part OK. But, deep down the hurt isn't gone. I look at the pictures I have of my tiny sweet angel and can't help but be jealous of all the people who are pregnant with their babies still, who can still feel them moving... the mommies who may have given birth prematurely, but their infants survived and are doing well... I . WANTED. THAT. WITH. MY ANGEL... AND I DIDN'T GET IT LONG ENOUGH... I can't just take a short drive and visit Jake in a nicu.. he never stayed there... he went straight to Heaven.  I know Jake is happy in Heaven & its greater there than it ever could've been here.. but that doesn't keep me from wishing he was here... longing to kiss my sweet baby's hands.. rub his cheek

 It was one month ago,on the 10th, that Jacob Austin was born still.  One month ago since I told my precious tiny angel hello and goodbye. My life has changed greatly, and so has the lives of the children around me.       My son Payton is five years old.. he is the oldest of the children in our family.  Payton asks lots of questions in regards to Jacob.  For instance, he asks me if Jacob cried like "regular babies" when he was born, or if he drank a "baba" when he was born.  I always answer his questions truthfully and tell him that he did not.  He has a very hard time understanding that our sweet Jake wasn't alive when he was born and was unable to do these things that other people's babies do.  Payton never met Jacob in person, I felt it would be too much for him and arranged for my sister to keep him at her house the last two days I was hospitalized.  I still believe it was for the best.  Payton also looks at death from a five year old's perspectiv

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of Jacob's death.  My family and I released balloons at the cemetery in his honor. Baby boy balloon before we released it We're always thinking of you Jake! Momma and his big brother Payton Payton by Jake's Grave We sent our balloons to Jake On their way to Heaven, one month after Jake's Death They're getting closer Almost there. :) We love you Jacob, and will never stop.

Today is my sweet baby Jake's one month Angelversa r y. It is so very hard to believe that my Angel has been in Heaven that long.   It seems like just yesterday  that we were giving him kisses, holding his sweet hands and oohing and ahhing over his tiny toes. I miss him so very much! My family and I are going to the cemetery today and will release some balloons in Jake's honor. I'm sure there will be many tears.  There is no question, for someone in our lives such a short time...   he was loved greatly. Mommy Loves you Jakey-Jake ! <3 Always Will.

Today is my 3 week check up after delivering my stillborn son Feb. 10th. It was so very difficult walking into the office building today, when the last time I was here,  my husband and I were seeing sweet Jake for the first time on ultrasound.  We were so excited... I was 13 weeks pregnant.  Today, I'm not pregnant  at all... and can't see my angel except for in pictures and when I see him in Heaven one day. This is very hard for me... my appointment was at 3, and I've been sitting in this office waiting... watching other mommas come & go .. I'm just ready to be done already. I finally go back to be seen.. and my nurse acts as if she's never had a patient who's delivered a stillborn before and I kid you not asks me 50 questions, one like this: 'so your baby died inside you?". Really, can you spare my emotions the hundreds of questions, ask the ones you absolutely need to know, then send my doctor in.. I was in tears before she left ... I wish there

     Yesterday was the three week anniversary of my son's birth.  In the case of most parents this is a happy occasion, for me not so much.  Three weeks ago my baby boy went to Heaven.  While I am happy he is with the Lord and he has no pain, no sadness, It doesn't make it any easier on his mommy or his family.        My mother and I took my eldest son Payton to story time at the public library for Dr. Seuss' birthday, there were several small babies there... it was all I could do to hold it together and not start crying in the middle of the library.  I couldn't help but sit there and think about how I'd never see Jake suck his thumb or hear him coo.  There are so many things that i'll never be able to do with my son... so many experiences i'll miss.  It makes me very sad.  I feel bad because I feel like Payton is missing out because his momma wasn't her happiest when he was having fun.        I tried to shake it off for most of the day yesterday, and m

Jacob was born on Friday night. My family and I loved him and snuggled with him until about 12:30 am. Then I had to release him to the care of the nurses for the night and be separated from him for the first time ever. I was taken to another floor of the hospital and he stayed.  I was still restricted to my bed, this time due to the excessive amount of meds I needed in my epidural to keep me comfortable. I was told that for the first three hours, I would be woken every hour to have my vitals checked... then I would be checked once a shift.  After the nurse checked my vitals the first time ..  my family and I opened the box the nurses had prepared for me upstairs and placed on my bed before sending me downstairs. In it were photos the nurses had taken of my precious tiny Angel Jake, a tape measure, the nursery arm bands Jake & I never wore, a poem and perhaps what has helped the most a tiny stuffed lamb  the receiving blanket Jake had been placed in after he was born & the hat t

January 22nd I started the hardest journey of my life. I woke up about 5:30am, after having the chills and what felt like a fever all night.  I kissed my husband goodbye, since he had to be at work at 6:30 that morning... went and sat on the couch and noticed that all wasn't right.  We had company over so I just tried relaxing on the couch since I had been placed on complete bed rest. About 8:15 or 8:30 I began noticing a sensation I hadn't before. My water had broken.  I called my mother and my husband and let them know I was going to the emergency room.  After that I told my company I had to leave, and they so kindly packed all of their things and drove me the 50+ miles to the closest hospital.       Upon arrival, my worst fears were confirmed... my water had broken at 21 weeks and the prognosis was not good.  The on call doctor told me I had two options, option a.) sit and wait for my body to go into labor or b.) be transferred to another hospital that would induce labor an