Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
I never got to hold you & bounce you on my lap, I never got to read to you or watch you as you nap. You slipped away so quickly, before I said your name. And yet I want the world to know I loved you just the same. -Anne Peterson
Thursday, March 22, 2012
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
To read more poems for hurting parents, please visit other blogs i've written at the links below:
Happy Thursday All!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
This first one was played at his funeral a little over a month ago:
Heaven Song by Phil Wickham
Leaving our home so lone and so drear,
Then do we wonder why others prosper,
Living so wicked year after year...Farther along we’ll know more about it,Farther along we’ll understand why;
Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,
We’ll understand it all by and by."
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Today it has been one month and four days since Jake went to live in Heaven. Today, I'm at a loss for words. Sure, I've gotten more used to the idea that he's gone and I won't see him again until I get to Heaven... I can carry on with my days for the most part OK. But, deep down the hurt isn't gone. I look at the pictures I have of my tiny sweet angel and can't help but be jealous of all the people who are pregnant with their babies still, who can still feel them moving... the mommies who may have given birth prematurely, but their infants survived and are doing well... I . WANTED. THAT. WITH. MY ANGEL... AND I DIDN'T GET IT LONG ENOUGH... I can't just take a short drive and visit Jake in a nicu.. he never stayed there... he went straight to Heaven. I know Jake is happy in Heaven & its greater there than it ever could've been here.. but that doesn't keep me from wishing he was here... longing to kiss my sweet baby's hands.. rub his cheeks.. kiss his sweet round nose and tiny footsies. I'm his mommy, that's what mommies do.. except I can't. I have a porcelain replica of his hands & feet to hold... it is SO not the same. Nothing could possibly replace those few precious memories of the time I spent holding onto my angel... one day I know the pain will ease some and ill look back and hopefully smile. For now though, i'll look back and wish I had more, wish I could drive the few miles down farm roads of East TX and go visit a thriving Preemie, not my angel's tiny grave.
I know all the wishing and hoping won't bring Jake back to me... I just know that my life is surely not the same without him.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
My son Payton is five years old.. he is the oldest of the children in our family. Payton asks lots of questions in regards to Jacob. For instance, he asks me if Jacob cried like "regular babies" when he was born, or if he drank a "baba" when he was born. I always answer his questions truthfully and tell him that he did not. He has a very hard time understanding that our sweet Jake wasn't alive when he was born and was unable to do these things that other people's babies do. Payton never met Jacob in person, I felt it would be too much for him and arranged for my sister to keep him at her house the last two days I was hospitalized. I still believe it was for the best. Payton also looks at death from a five year old's perspective. In the first week or so after Jake's death, Payton often wondered if he too would die. One day we were driving down the road, and he said momma will the thing that happened to Jake happen to me? I had to explain to him, that most of the time these things don't happen, and mommy was very sick and it made Jake sick, and his tiny body couldn't handle it... plus god wanted him to live with him in Heaven. Payton is always happy to go see Jake at the cemetery. He likes now to go see all the "stepping stones"( Headstones) and learn the names of everyone buried there. Yesterday, my family and I went to the cemetery to release two balloons in Jake's honor, and Payton kept asking why we were going there when Jake could grab them up from anywhere. Payton often asks me to tell Jake to come down from Heaven. I always explain that no matter how much momma tells him to come down, he can't and he won't. One day I told him that and he told me that Jake comes down for him at the farm. : ) It melted my heart and I burst into tears. He didn't know that was so sweet and that I'd start bawling.
My niece Adleigh and my cousin's daughter Lainey are three and four. It is apparent that small children are most definitely affected by death. My niece Adleigh loves her baby dolls, like any girl. Not long ago she was playing with her dolls in the living room, like she always does, brought it to me and said "keekee, can you doctor my baby, she's dead." I explained to Adleigh that her baby was fine and not dead, and told her it was ok, her baby didn't die and sent her on her way. She continued to pretend that her baby had died, and besides the reassurance from my family and I that her baby was indeed fine and hadn't died... I was at a loss for words. Adleigh too often questions death now. The car seems to be the place for questions of death. We were on our way to my sister's house, after keeping Adleigh for a while... and Adleigh said "I'm a girl, I won't die, will I?" She was very concerned.. again we offered much reassurance to her that she is a girl, she is big and healthy and will be fine. This seemed to help her. She did repeat all the way to my sister's house that she was a big girl and wasn't going to die. My cousin's daughter Lainey is four. I have met Lainey and talk to her, but had not seen her at all while I was pregnant with Jacob. Lainey attended Jake's funeral however with my cousin. My cousin informed me that Lainey, who's four, questions her everyday. She wonders if Jake is ok, if he will get cold in the cemetery (probably since it was chilly on the day of his graveside service, we had blankets), and several other things. This shows me that even though she never met Jacob, or even saw pictures of him, she understood that there was a baby and now he was gone.
Since our sweet children have no real idea that we adults are hurting just like them, it is sometimes hard to answer the questions they ask. It is very easy to just say I don't know, or tell them to be quiet and we'll answer them later. This however, is not helping them any, to work through their grief.
The New York Department of Health and Human Services says this about children and how they deal with grief and death:
Sunday, March 11, 2012
|Baby boy balloon before we released it|
|We're always thinking of you Jake!|
|Momma and his big brother Payton|
|Payton by Jake's Grave|
|We sent our balloons to Jake|
|On their way to Heaven, one month after Jake's Death|
|They're getting closer|
|Almost there. :)|
We love you Jacob, and will never stop.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Today is my 3 week check up after delivering my stillborn son Feb. 10th. It was so very difficult walking into the office building today, when the last time I was here, my husband and I were seeing sweet Jake for the first time on ultrasound. We were so excited... I was 13 weeks pregnant. Today, I'm not pregnant at all... and can't see my angel except for in pictures and when I see him in Heaven one day. This is very hard for me... my appointment was at 3, and I've been sitting in this office waiting... watching other mommas come & go .. I'm just ready to be done already.
I finally go back to be seen.. and my nurse acts as if she's never had a patient who's delivered a stillborn before and I kid you not asks me 50 questions, one like this: 'so your baby died inside you?". Really, can you spare my emotions the hundreds of questions, ask the ones you absolutely need to know, then send my doctor in.. I was in tears before she left ... I wish there was a way I could rewind things or fast forward some so that I don't hurt so bad all the time. I just want to be truly happy again, with both my boys would be great, however I know that ill never have all that I want. Even if I do achieve happiness once more, i'll never have Jake again.
I miss my baby boy.