Today it has been one month and four days since Jake went to live in Heaven. Today, I'm at a loss for words. Sure, I've gotten more used to the idea that he's gone and I won't see him again until I get to Heaven... I can carry on with my days for the most part OK. But, deep down the hurt isn't gone. I look at the pictures I have of my tiny sweet angel and can't help but be jealous of all the people who are pregnant with their babies still, who can still feel them moving... the mommies who may have given birth prematurely, but their infants survived and are doing well... I . WANTED. THAT. WITH. MY ANGEL... AND I DIDN'T GET IT LONG ENOUGH... I can't just take a short drive and visit Jake in a nicu.. he never stayed there... he went straight to Heaven. I know Jake is happy in Heaven & its greater there than it ever could've been here.. but that doesn't keep me from wishing he was here... longing to kiss my sweet baby's hands.. rub his cheeks.. kiss his sweet round nose and tiny footsies. I'm his mommy, that's what mommies do.. except I can't. I have a porcelain replica of his hands & feet to hold... it is SO not the same. Nothing could possibly replace those few precious memories of the time I spent holding onto my angel... one day I know the pain will ease some and ill look back and hopefully smile. For now though, i'll look back and wish I had more, wish I could drive the few miles down farm roads of East TX and go visit a thriving Preemie, not my angel's tiny grave.
I know all the wishing and hoping won't bring Jake back to me... I just know that my life is surely not the same without him.