Monday, March 5, 2012

Hard day

Today is my 3 week check up after delivering my stillborn son Feb. 10th. It was so very difficult walking into the office building today, when the last time I was here,  my husband and I were seeing sweet Jake for the first time on ultrasound.  We were so excited... I was 13 weeks pregnant.  Today, I'm not pregnant  at all... and can't see my angel except for in pictures and when I see him in Heaven one day. This is very hard for me... my appointment was at 3, and I've been sitting in this office waiting... watching other mommas come & go .. I'm just ready to be done already.

I finally go back to be seen.. and my nurse acts as if she's never had a patient who's delivered a stillborn before and I kid you not asks me 50 questions, one like this: 'so your baby died inside you?". Really, can you spare my emotions the hundreds of questions, ask the ones you absolutely need to know, then send my doctor in.. I was in tears before she left ... I wish there was a way I could rewind things or fast forward some so that I don't hurt so bad all the time.  I just want to be truly happy again, with both my boys would be great, however I know that ill never have all that I want.  Even if I do achieve happiness once more, i'll never have Jake again.

I miss my baby boy.

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