Monday, March 26, 2012

Thinking Back

This morning I woke up much earlier than I normally do these days, and my sweet Jake was on my mind.  I began thinking back to the events leading up to Jakes death and birth.  I wanted to relive all of those moments... so I don't forget anything.  I don't want to forget Jake's story.  I want to remember the days after his birth, even though it was monstorous pain and agony.  I remember very well on the morning I was to be dismissed waking up about 6:30 am,. trudging over to the sink to brush my teeth, then slowly walking back to where my clothes were and getting dressed.  I had been in the hospital for 3 weeks... 21 days of laying in bed... not allowed to get up, and of watching tv.  I was more than ready to go home.  I no longer had any reason to gladly stay.  Being in the hospital reminded me of what I would never have.  The perinatologist who took care of me while Jake was born and was responsible for my after care normally made her rounds at night.  I began calling my nurse to contact her so I could be released.  I waited until about 2pm to be released... then it was over. My hospital stay was over.  I now had to get in my mom's car and ride for four hours back to my hometown.  My box full of all the memories I had of Jake and I were tucked into the back seat, along with a vase of flowers my sister had sent.   When we finally got home I could finally lay in my own bed again, and not have anyone barging in my door wanting to draw blood or check my vitals.  I had the perfect environment for rest... yet I couldn't.  I again could just lie there in bed and cry and miss my angel... think about the past couple of days and weeks... about the numerous heart breaking moments I had been through and all the ones to come.  Now, a month and a half later... I still lie in bed and miss my angel every night, sometimes I cry... and I think back to the worst days of my life.

If only Heaven wasn't so far away..


  1. You commented on my story on faces of loss. I am soo sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you to just wait in the hospital and hope and pray everything was going to be okay. I know how I felt just hoping maybe they would be wrong and somehow someway she would be crying when she came out. My heart breaks for you. One of the only things making this any easier is she has her brother. Hopefully our babies will find each other up in Heaven. If my two are anything like their sister who is very social I am more than certain they have already found him! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. <3

  2. Cassie,
    Thank you so much for the much needed prayers. I hope your two angels have found my sweet Jake. :) I'm sure they're up there having a ball together. I don't think any loss is easy... but yes ma'am it was extremely hard to sit everyday in the hospital just waiting... hoping everything would be fine against all odds, knowing that my wishes and hopes were very much against the odds.