Thinking Back

This morning I woke up much earlier than I normally do these days, and my sweet Jake was on my mind.  I began thinking back to the events leading up to Jakes death and birth.  I wanted to relive all of those moments... so I don't forget anything.  I don't want to forget Jake's story.  I want to remember the days after his birth, even though it was monstorous pain and agony.  I remember very well on the morning I was to be dismissed waking up about 6:30 am,. trudging over to the sink to brush my teeth, then slowly walking back to where my clothes were and getting dressed.  I had been in the hospital for 3 weeks... 21 days of laying in bed... not allowed to get up, and of watching tv.  I was more than ready to go home.  I no longer had any reason to gladly stay.  Being in the hospital reminded me of what I would never have.  The perinatologist who took care of me while Jake was born and was responsible for my after care normally made her rounds at night.  I began calling my nurse to contact her so I could be released.  I waited until about 2pm to be released... then it was over. My hospital stay was over.  I now had to get in my mom's car and ride for four hours back to my hometown.  My box full of all the memories I had of Jake and I were tucked into the back seat, along with a vase of flowers my sister had sent.   When we finally got home I could finally lay in my own bed again, and not have anyone barging in my door wanting to draw blood or check my vitals.  I had the perfect environment for rest... yet I couldn't.  I again could just lie there in bed and cry and miss my angel... think about the past couple of days and weeks... about the numerous heart breaking moments I had been through and all the ones to come.  Now, a month and a half later... I still lie in bed and miss my angel every night, sometimes I cry... and I think back to the worst days of my life.

If only Heaven wasn't so far away..