Yesterday was the three week anniversary of my son's birth. In the case of most parents this is a happy occasion, for me not so much. Three weeks ago my baby boy went to Heaven. While I am happy he is with the Lord and he has no pain, no sadness, It doesn't make it any easier on his mommy or his family.
My mother and I took my eldest son Payton to story time at the public library for Dr. Seuss' birthday, there were several small babies there... it was all I could do to hold it together and not start crying in the middle of the library. I couldn't help but sit there and think about how I'd never see Jake suck his thumb or hear him coo. There are so many things that i'll never be able to do with my son... so many experiences i'll miss. It makes me very sad. I feel bad because I feel like Payton is missing out because his momma wasn't her happiest when he was having fun.
I tried to shake it off for most of the day yesterday, and managed to do ok at it, until it was time for bed. I layed down and attempted to sleep, but any grieving parent knows that sleep doesn't come easily... all I could do was think about Jacob and all of the things I had tried to shrug off for later earlier in the day.. I cried for about 3 hours, before I was finally so tired I could hardly hold my eyes open and went to sleep.
Losing a child is the worst type of hurt i've ever experienced and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hate that when I go places, I can't really talk about Jake because people ask questions and when I have to answer them, it hurts. For example, I wanted to buy my son shorts yesterday, so we went to the mall... I purchased his shorts and we were just looking around some. We passed by a jewelry store and I wanted to stop and look. There was a section that had all Amethyst. I tried on several different pieces, and kept looking... finally I came across an Amethyst necklace that I really liked, and mentioned to the sales lady that it was my other son's birthstone. She said unknowingly, "Oh where is he at?" , I then had to explain to her that he had passed away, which then she wanted to know how old he was... how do you tell someone that your child never even got to live outside of you? That he was stillborn, and it hasn't even been 3 weeks ago. I can't blame her, she didn't know... it just snaps you back to that ever present reality once more.
In the next couple of weeks, I will go back to the monument company and order my sweet baby's headstone. If all this didn't feel real before, this will most definitely make it that way...I have decided to order him a headstone that is shaped like a rocking horse. It really is sweet and cute, looks like something a baby should have... I just hate that it has to be mine. I hate that I can't watch him rock on a real rocking horse and instead he has to see his from Heaven. :(
Momma loves you Jake!
Miss you More than ever imaginable <3