Stillborn: Still Loved

Two years has passed since the morning I woke up, and sat down on my couch to find I was leaking fluid. Two years has passed since I told my company that I needed to go the emergency room and they drove me the 50 miles… Two years sometimes still feels like yesterday. I still remember the littlest of details as if this happened yesterday... I can remember laying there in that triage room while the nurses came in and told me that what I feared most, The fluid leaking  was amniotic fluid.   I remember being blind- sided by the on call doctor coming in, and asking me which hospital I wanted to be transported to, so that I could deliver Jacob early, since they were a Catholic hospital and wouldn’t induce labor.   I remember being terrified and extremely upset. I was all alone and my husband at the time was stuck on location in an oil field… I remember the nurse telling me that they didn’t know sometimes things like that happened…but they did and they were sorry. ...

23 months ago I received the worst news of my life. My sweet precious baby boy whom I adored and loved so much for 23 weeks and 5 days, passed away, and I would become the parent of a stillborn. The next day my son, Jacob Austin, was born still.   He was born into a silent room, filled with the tears of his family members who were still anxiously awaiting his arrival.   He was born into a room full of love.   Over the course of the next three days, my family and I loved him, snuggled with him and then I was discharged from the hospital.   Without him.   My world felt as if it was ending.   A part of me had died when he did.   Happiness was a goal I thought I would never attain again. Frankly, I had no desire to be happy again. My world had ended. My son, who was expecting to be a big brother wasn’t going to be a big brother to a baby boy on earth, but one in Heaven.   I wasn’t the mother to two kids on earth, but one on Earth and one in Hea...

Jacob was born still 6 months ago today.  About 5 months ago is when I posted the first picture of Jacob to my Facebook account, after it had been retouched some by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I was so very proud of my precious son.  The sweet baby boy whom I love so very much.  I wanted all of my closest friends and family to see him.  I just knew that everyone would adore him like I did. I was wrong. I began to notice that friends and former co-workers who were once my friend on Facebook were gone.  I didn't realize the reason at the time. Not long later, I was visiting the District Clerk's office where I worked for four years,up until last Fall.  We had a really good visit I thought.  After I left, a lady whom I've gotten to know pretty well called me on my cell phone to let me know that two of the ladies who had once been friends on my Facebook were gossiping about me.. and one was telling the other " She put pictures of her dea...

Mommy Loves Her "Son"shines! After Jake passed away, Payton and I planted a little 4 foot row of sunflowers next to where he and my niece play in the yard. Today, the first thing I noticed when I came outside as that this one is blooming! What a way to make me smile bright and early! Thank you Lord, for such beautiful flowers to start my day off right. I sure do love those boys of mine!!! Have a Great Tuesday! I'm on the blog hop with Tesha today, please join us! :)

Lying here in bed, Replaying the last 10 months in my head ... I have so many thoughts of all the things I would do differently if given the chance. 1.) After seeing the first Dr who waved off my maternal instinct that something wasn't right, I would've visited another doctor. That day, not waited the week until my infection was severe. 2.) I would've removed Payton, Jake & I from the household we lived in with my husband, and lies anger and the stress he caused. 3.) I would not have let my husband convince me to help him move my mother in law when I knew I should be home resting. 4.) When I noticed a pattern of abusive behaviors, we would leave... not stay and hope my husband would realize how horrible he was to me. 5.) I would have requested that my visitors be limited after my husband made my mother cry the first night I was admitted to the hospital.  Subjecting us to that sort of stress wasn't a good idea. There's no feeling like having to wo...

This post is a re-post from the other blog I write... it explains my situation a little better.  I am in the middle of a divorce - which my husband filed for while I was still in the hospital trying to save our son.  This pretty much sums up my emotions.  No one deserves to be treated the way I was... I hope this story serves as inspiration to ladies to escape such situations. I have been so busy mourning the loss of my son that I haven't had time to be angry over my situation as a whole...for the way my husband treated me while we were married... the fact he filed for divorce(illegally might I add - filing for a divorce with no kids) while I was still in the hospital trying to save our son.  It seems to be hitting me all at once now.  There are several songs that tell more than I ever could about how I feel about him. I really do pray most days he gets hit in the head with something...   no person should have to call the police on their ...