Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Has it really been TWO whole years?

Two years has passed since the morning I woke up, and sat down on my couch to find I was leaking fluid. Two years has passed since I told my company that I needed to go the emergency room and they drove me the 50 miles…

Two years sometimes still feels like yesterday. I still remember the littlest of details as if this happened yesterday...

I can remember laying there in that triage room while the nurses came in and told me that what I feared most, The fluid leaking  was amniotic fluid.  I remember being blind- sided by the on call doctor coming in, and asking me which hospital I wanted to be transported to, so that I could deliver Jacob early, since they were a Catholic hospital and wouldn’t induce labor.  I remember being terrified and extremely upset. I was all alone and my husband at the time was stuck on location in an oil field… I remember the nurse telling me that they didn’t know sometimes things like that happened…but they did and they were sorry.

I remember telling her that I didn’t want to be induced. My son was fine, he was moving and happy.  She replied, that although he may seem fine, he’s not. Then, the nurses on duty, so kindly brought me an application for Texas Birth Certificate, which broke my heart even more, when I got to the last page and read where it said “Congratulations on your newest Texan”.  I had no idea whether he’d live to even receive a birth certificate. 

The Lord answered my prayers and the on call doctor came in and told me that they’d admit me if I liked, so that they could watch me for signs of infection and that I could attempt to stay pregnant until 24 weeks, the age of viability in Texas.

I remember being moved from Triage into my room on the section of the maternity ward where they kept the C-Section patients, being hooked up to the heartbeat monitor for a few minutes, and just listening… worrying… only to have someone come in soon after, turn it off, and tell me that they wouldn’t be monitoring Jacob’s heart rate because he was too young.  I wanted to know why. He may not have been 24 weeks, but he was my baby none the less..

I remember those long long agonizing days of strict bed rest, not being able to get up out of bed… the emotional abuse from my ex-husband and the times I spent in prayerful tears for my strength, and for Jacob.

I remember being prepped for the flight that would carry Jacob and I to the hospital where he’d be delivered three days later. 

I remember seeing my sweet baby boy on an ultrasound alive and practicing breathing, thinking things were good. Little did I know it was the last time I’d see him alive this side of Heaven.

I remember meeting my tiny boy – all 1 pound and 2.5ounces of him on February 10,2012 at 10:26pm. I remember breathing in his sweet smell, knowing soon I would no longer have that chance.

I remember my heart aching beyond belief for the son I couldn’t bring home. I still know a deep ache in my heart for my sweet two year old in Heaven.

I remember all these things…. Most of all I remember January 22, 2012 – it was the start to this never ending journey through grief and infant loss.  The entrance to a path I had no choice in being on… but somehow am grateful I have been put in this path.

My experiences have helped me grow as a Christian.  They have helped me grow as a mommy. And they have helped me grow as a person.

I Love You Jacob Austin .  You are still my world.  Mommy still remembers you and the time we spent together! <3


  1. Thinking of your and your sweet family today friend!!


  2. Saying a prayer you felt pace today! I also can not belive it's been two years since our boys went to heaven. Love and hugs to you today

    1. Thank you Tesha. Time has flown by, that's for sure. Big hugs and love to you today as well! Jonathan's birthday was not long ago,correct? I'm so sorry I missed it.

  3. Thinking of you and sweet Jacob at this 2-year mark... hard to believe it was 2 years since I had Lily when you and I first connected and the loss was fresh for you... now it's been nearly 4 years for me and 2 for you... time flies but the love remains the same. *hugs, friend*

    1. Thank you Hannah. I am in disbelief how fast the time does fly by. In the beginning it feels like time stands still. I can't believe Miss Lily will be four years old this year. :) Don't you know she'll have a wonderful birthday in Heaven. <3