Stillborn: Still Loved

Today my mother, Carol, is guest blogging over her experience watching me be hospitalized with Jake, our helicopter ride across Texas and Jake's stillbirth. I have always loved the song by Radney Foster called ANGEL FLIGHT.  Coming from a military family, and a having a dad who was a Navy Pilot, it just tugs at my heart strings every single time I hear it.  It wasn't until recently, as in just a few weeks ago, when it was playing on the Cd player in my bedroom, that I had a different view of the song.  My husband, daughter, grandson and I were all in my bedroom.  They were all talking to me as I was trying to get clothes folded, and I had put this CD in to listen  to.  When Angel Flight came on, the tears started falling out of my husbands eyes.  Let me tell you something, my husband is a Cowboy and is about 6'2.  It breaks my heart to see him cry and like most men you just don't see those tears fall very often.  See...

As many of you know, a good friend of mine recently had to say hello and goodbye to her sweet baby boy Tyler  on the same day like so many of us have.  While she was in the hospital, a lady who had too been in our shoes gave her a basket with items to comfort her.  One of the items in the basket, was the book I will Carry You, By Angie Smith.   My friend had previously read the book digitally and on her next trip to our town, she brought it to me.  I had heard from many people that the book was very good.  Truthfully, I have even recently considered buying it for myself.  I just haven't.  When she sent it to me though, I felt like I was in the right place to read it.  Friday night I began my journey through learning Angie and Todd Smith's journey through saying goodbye to their sweet Audrey Caroline.  I read a couple of chapters and set the book down with intentions of finishing the book on Saturday. Saturday a...

      On the Tuesday before Valentine's Day, I was out attempting to order flowers.  Not for any happy occasion though.  I was searching for the perfect flowers for my Jake's funeral. I first went to the florist here in my hometown.  The ladies tried to be nice and helpful.  I was just not liking what they were showing me.  The flowers they had to display were droopy and lacking color appeal.  I wanted his arrangements to include blue Hydrangeas and white Roses.  The ladies at this florist dashed all of my wants, telling me that hydrangeas wouldn't last... they would wilt too fast and they weren't willing to budge on what I wanted.  They brought me ugly yellow daisies that I didn't want and were trying to add white carnations as well... neither of which I asked for..  I was in tears, thinking this would be all I had to choose from.  Finally, we made the decision to leave and see what other florists in the area co...

Today, July 10,2012, marks the 5 month anniversary of my sweet Jacob Austin being born still.  I have been in my planner frame of mind for the past couple of weeks and for whatever reason have started trying to plan what I will do for Jacob's first birthday.   Yes, I know. February is SEVEN months away... but for some reason it made me feel better and kind of sad too at the same time.    I have been on Pinterest looking at first birthday party ideas for boys.   I have Googled Angel birthdays.   Either way I look I have decided that the world is not prepared for parents having to think about their child's birthday in Heaven.   As I looked through party websites and such I saw plates for girls that said little angel, the boys say little rebel - that won't work.    When you look up first birthdays, there are lots of cute photos for inspiration to take with your baby.  I can't do that.   I have ...

I found this poem yesterday while looking for a nice poem for The Parents of Stillborns.  I have people visit my blog who are searching for poems for parents of stillborn babies and about stillborn babies.  I thought this one was nice.   So many people can identify with this fully.   I hope it touches your heart God, Take This Child.... By Nancy Scott Sweet child whom we never really got to know, It’s hard for us to let you go. We waited and we wanted you. We had so many dreams for you. We think of smiles we'll never see. We think of events that will never be. There will be no first steps and no first teeth. There is only a void and our own grief. We planned to take you to places far and near. We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear. We hoped to show you much of your new world. We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled. It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died. We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried. We h...

So, it's official... most of the holidays are over for a good little bit... well the big ones anyhow.  It's official Thanksgiving is November 22 and Christmas is shortly thereafter... that means we baby loss mommies have four months of a break from holidays... excluding birthday month anniversaries and things of that nature.  As all of you know, yesterday was July 4th.  When I woke up yesterday, my good friend Lynsey and her husband were on my mind, since this would be their first holiday without their son, so soon after losing him. Yesterday also had been one month since Jake was supposed to have been born.  One whole long month since his due date had come and gone. We celebrated in usual fashion by grilling steaks and hamburgers... visited with family. Payton and I even played outside in the sprinkler for good measure. To top off the evening Payton, my mother and I watched a huge fireworks display in a town nearby. I loved seeing the ...

Over the past five months my thoughts and feelings have changed in regards to losing Jacob.  At first I was heartbroken, unable to function without thinking about my sweet baby or balling up in tears.  As time has passed, of course I am still heartbroken and miss my baby boy, but in a different way.  A couple of months ago, a good friend of the family and her husband received the horrible news that their sweet baby was "not compatible with life", and upon birth would pass away.  In that  moment, I felt extreme sadness for them and was dreading the day they would lose their baby.  This day came earlier than they had planned.  Sweet Tyler was born on Thursday morning via emergency c-section.  He lived one precious hour here on earth.  It was in the instant his mommy messaged me to let me know he had gone home to be with the Lord, that I was somehow grateful.  Definitely not grateful that my boy isn't here with me or that her baby had ...