Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Experience has changed me

Over the past five months my thoughts and feelings have changed in regards to losing Jacob. 
At first I was heartbroken, unable to function without thinking about my sweet baby or balling up in tears.  As time has passed, of course I am still heartbroken and miss my baby boy, but in a different way.  A couple of months ago, a good friend of the family and her husband received the horrible news that their sweet baby was "not compatible with life", and upon birth would pass away.  In that  moment, I felt extreme sadness for them and was dreading the day they would lose their baby.  This day came earlier than they had planned.  Sweet Tyler was born on Thursday morning via emergency c-section.  He lived one precious hour here on earth.  It was in the instant his mommy messaged me to let me know he had gone home to be with the Lord, that I was somehow grateful.  Definitely not grateful that my boy isn't here with me or that her baby had gone to Heaven, but grateful because now I have experience in losing a child.  Because of Jake, she has somewhere to turn.  My sweet friend and I now share more of a common bond.  One that I wish we didn't have to.  My son, and her five year old step-son share a common bond of having baby brothers in Heaven.  I am glad that through my pain and sorrow, someone can now find some comfort and peace.  The Lord works in Mighty ways that at the time of Jake's death I didn't understand.  I never dreamed that I would have a friend who lived off of my advice and past experience on grieving and child loss. 

As the milestones have began for my friend, mine have become refreshed in my mind.  I remember leaving the hospital without Jake... I remember all too well the pain of sitting at home and watching the clock on the wall.. waiting for the time when I would leave home to attend my son's funeral.  I remember sitting at Jake's funeral, staring at his casket, amazed that I was having to do this. 

My heart is broken in a whole new way.

Not for me so much anymore.

But for my dear friend and her family, as now they begin this journey through grief.

My heart is broken for any new parents who are learning today that their child is incompatible with life, or those who without warning lose their child.

I know what it's like - I'm on that road too.


And, it's never ending.

8 comments:

  1. She is blessed to have your love and support. I know I so wanted to talk and have someone understand at first and there just seem to be no one. What a blessing you are using your pain in such a positive way. Saying a prayer for her and you now!

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    1. Tesha it is nice to feel like even though my life has had lots of negative, I can use it in a positive way. I too craved someone who knew what I was going through and am so blessed by the online baby loss community. Thank you so much for your continued prayer.

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  2. I love how God uses us to help other mommies who are walking where we have walked. I hate that we have walked there and that they are but love that I am able to help in some way. God blessed me with friends who had experienced loss before Grant was born and I hope to be a blessing to others walking the same road.

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    1. Oh, I can only imagine the comfort you had knowing that someone else had been down this road before you. What a blessing for you and from you as well as you reach out to other parents who've lost children.

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  3. I know what you mean. Since my son has died, I've been in contact with several women who have recently lost their babies. In helping them, it helps me along my journey. And it keeps my sons memory alive being able to help others. What I've gone through, doesn't feel in vain as my experience touches others. (((hugs)))

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  4. I love that you keep your son's memory alive by helping others. I'm so glad that you can help others and work on healing at the same time.

    (((Big hugs)))

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  5. You're right, it is never ending. I am so sorry for your friend. But thankful you can be there for her. God works in beautiful, yet unexpected ways. And I know just how you feel...my loss was coming up on 2 and a half years ago, so I feel like a veteran in this babyloss community. How can that be? How can that much time have passed that I can give others advice on how to cope?

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  6. Hannah, It is so very strange feeling like a veteran... like someone who did this ages ago when it hasn't even been five months. It still feels sometimes too like it was just yesterday that I was leaving my sweet boy at the hospital. I am glad though that through my blog and now word of mouth, I have the opportunity to tell others that the pain will get a little better... regardless of how it feels sometimes. :)

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