Monday, September 10, 2012

7 Months without him



September Owls

August has come and gone... one more month has passed here on earth.  I have somehow, in ways unbeknownst to me, managed to survive now, for SEVEN whole months without my baby boy.  I have gone 7 months without seeing his precious face, without hearing his cries.  I have gone seven months without kissing his toes and watching them as they grow.  In the Month of September, I have now had reason to recognize that many many families all over the world are missing their babies on Stillborn Remembrance Day.  As September hurries by, we are closer and closer coming to the date of The annual Walk to Remember held by the support group I belong to.  Each family in and around DFW, gather their family members and walk to remember their baby(ies).  Each family is give a balloon to release in honor of their baby and a Christmas ornament to hang on their tree.  I look forward to this day. 

Also as September progresses, I will once again become a single parent.. to a six year old, and his angel brother. I am anxiously awaiting that day.  As it so happens, Jake's 7 month Angelversary and my divorce take place in the same week... So this is in sorts very overwhelming to me.  

September also means, that Jake's 1st Birthday/Angelversary is creeping up on me as well.  His birthday is now just a short five months away. 

I have been wanting to go buy Jake balloons all day to send him, and just never made it to the store to do that.  Now, I'm sad that I have done nothing  for Jake.  

I thought about just doing something as simple of lighting a candle, but that still doesn't seem like enough... I thought I had gotten through the stage of wanting to do so much for him.  He has all he needs in Heaven.  I was wrong.  I've been in a rut for the past week or two.  

I STILL MISS JAKE!  I HATE that I can't be with him.  I hate that life is proceeding as normal, without him.  That's not how things were supposed to be.  I hate that I feel like I should be expected to carry on with life and not speak of him.  . . not than anyone I know actually feels that way.  It's just living without him is hard.

  Life is just hard without Jake.  

Life without my baby boy is stressful.

Enough said.

 
 

8 comments:

  1. I feel you. I'm so sorry. Wiley's monthly birthday is always 7 days behind Jake's so 7 months is coming up next week for me. Seems unreal. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy it is a very surreal feeling, living without your baby. I'm still not used to it. I can only imagine that you aren't either. I will most definitely be thinking of you and praying for you, as you enter into next week and come face to face with 7 months without precious Wiley.

      Delete
  2. Oh I know it must be a difficult time for you. I am praying for your comfort and for hope. Hugs sweet mommy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Tesha. I appreciate your prayers more than you know. You made my night brighter. ((Big hugs back))

      Delete
  3. I feel like I will never get used to the idea of living without my baby. I don't understand how time keeps passing and seems to mount up until I reach another milestone and wonder how it came about so quickly.

    Sending you lots of love.

    Lisa
    http://dear-finley.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The fact that Jacob will never be with me is very hard to live with. I understand those feelings all too well Lisa. I am so very sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I have been so busy and stressed the past couple of weeks... I too have no idea how the time keeps passing by so quickly. We are creeping closer and closer to all of the next hard milestones, and i'm dreading it.

      Big big hugs and lots of love
      Jessica

      Delete
  4. Im so sorry!! The special dates are so hard and to top it off add your divorce. Your in my thoughts. Big hugs mama!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the big hugs Brigette! That week was so incredibly emotionally difficult for me. I needed lots of them. Thank goodness though, I have survived, yet another.

      Delete