Stillborn: Still Loved

It’s funny how the human mind works.   I was driving down the road, thinking about the dinner we were having that night.   Chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes.. biscuits… white gravy… good stuff.   When all the sudden I remembered a time when myself and my now ex-husband, Jacob’s Father, were dating, and I was cooking him the same dinner. I had been turning the meat in the hot oil, and took my slotted spoon out… and for whatever reason… turned it up toward the sky pretty fast, and flung super-hot, fresh out of the fryer, chicken fried steak breading on his bare chest.   I can’t imagine how bad that hurt.   But, for whatever reason, the other day it made me laugh. Hysterically (yes, I know I’m mean, and this has been over 6 years ago, BTW J )… then I began thinking about how things had changed between us, and then my thoughts turned to Jacob.   In an instant, my sneaky little nemesis – Grief was back. My mind began racing to the brief time I was on b...

     The two year mark is creeping closer and closer to reality. Up until today, I've really been fine. Now, it's like two years is really sinking in. I haven't seen Jacob in two years! Today, I called a florist to price a headstone saddle,specially made for Jacob's birthday. The gentleman on the phone politely reminded me that this is the week before Valentine's day and that they were really busy. His tone softened when I told him it was my son's birthday and the size of the saddle I wanted was 12 inches or less. I couldn't help but instantly think back to February 13,2012 when I had to take the trip to the florist to select floral arrangements for Jacob's casket, and the sprays that would stand alone beside it. That along with many others were the most moments of my life. I remember the first florist I visited telling me they were unwilling to use the flowers I wanted because of their shelf life. They were suggesting flowers that were ugly and old....

Two years has passed since the morning I woke up, and sat down on my couch to find I was leaking fluid. Two years has passed since I told my company that I needed to go the emergency room and they drove me the 50 miles… Two years sometimes still feels like yesterday. I still remember the littlest of details as if this happened yesterday... I can remember laying there in that triage room while the nurses came in and told me that what I feared most, The fluid leaking  was amniotic fluid.   I remember being blind- sided by the on call doctor coming in, and asking me which hospital I wanted to be transported to, so that I could deliver Jacob early, since they were a Catholic hospital and wouldn’t induce labor.   I remember being terrified and extremely upset. I was all alone and my husband at the time was stuck on location in an oil field… I remember the nurse telling me that they didn’t know sometimes things like that happened…but they did and they were sorry. ...

23 months ago I received the worst news of my life. My sweet precious baby boy whom I adored and loved so much for 23 weeks and 5 days, passed away, and I would become the parent of a stillborn. The next day my son, Jacob Austin, was born still.   He was born into a silent room, filled with the tears of his family members who were still anxiously awaiting his arrival.   He was born into a room full of love.   Over the course of the next three days, my family and I loved him, snuggled with him and then I was discharged from the hospital.   Without him.   My world felt as if it was ending.   A part of me had died when he did.   Happiness was a goal I thought I would never attain again. Frankly, I had no desire to be happy again. My world had ended. My son, who was expecting to be a big brother wasn’t going to be a big brother to a baby boy on earth, but one in Heaven.   I wasn’t the mother to two kids on earth, but one on Earth and one in Hea...

Hello to all of my sweet readers.  It feels as if it's been forever since I've written a word.  I've been so busy!  My precious rainbow baby Avery Grace arrived July 25th.  She was 5 pounds, 2.6 oz and 18 1/2 healthy inches long.       Friday, the 25th, started out like any other day.  I woke up, made breakfast for Payton and I, then began cleaning our house.  I cleaned every single surface in the kitchen.  I did the dishes, mopped the floors and cleaned the counters high and low.  Then I moved on to the living room, picking up toys and such... vacuuming.  I stopped to rest briefly, then continued on through the house making up beds and other random things.  About 2:30 in the afternoon I sat down on the couch and noticed I had a really big contraction... I thought I had over-done it and decided it'd be best to lie down.  I went and lied down and timed contractions.  I had two that were 4 minutes apart...

Today a good friend of mine from high school is scheduled to be induced with her second baby.  As I was praying for her this morning , her sweet son and her staff at the hospital... I broke down in tears.  It's so hard to watch people do something so normal, when I have been a part of the 1 in 4 who had something terrible happen.  I've experienced stillbirth.  This is the first person who has given birth that I haven't hidden from my Facebook newsfeed... it hasn't been painful to watch her pregnancy... so now, for it to sting surprises me.  I can't help but think what a blessing babies are... and how grateful I am for my children.  Yes, life in the year since Jacob's death has been difficult and hard to bear at times... but I have learned more about myself and my relationship with the Lord than ever before.    I will push through the tears today and thoughts of the bittersweet time I had with my youngest son today...knowing tha...

Tears are common in grief, especially in the early days,weeks and months following loss. For me the further I move away from loss, less and less tears fall. I have become used to the sadness and pain of losing Jacob and live with it daily.  So yesterday, driving down the road with Jake's big brother Payton to his t-ball game I really wasn't suspecting tears.  My son and my niece were being kids, pestering each other with their feet and toys and funny names... then it all stopped and they were quiet. We were listening to the radio when Payton out of the blue says to me, "momma, I wish Jacob was here." "He would have so much fun playing with me and Avery."  Avery is their little sister (my rainbow, due in August).  I was so sad, I got teary eyed.  If only he knew how much I wish every single day that my sweet Jacob was here with us too. I would love for the boys to be able to play together and protect their baby sister.    I look...