Stillborn: Still Loved

Baby Boy, A year has come and gone since I first learned that a band of angels had come and taken you home on that sweet chariot.  My heart has been broken for a whole year.  All of the hopes and dreams I had for you are long gone and in their place lies what could've beens and what should've beens.  Although you don't live here with me, people everywhere are learning from you, and what you've taught me.  Because of you 65 other hurting angel mommies have somewhere to turn on sad days. Today is your first birthday.  Yesterday I picked up your birthday cake. It's vanilla, with vanilla buttercream frosting.  I'm not sure why I ordered it so plain... when there was so many flavors to choose from.  Your sweet little cake has blue and green fondant polka dots around the edge, and a big blue elephant on top of the cake, beside a little circle that says 'ONE'. I really love it. Oh, how I wish you could be here to see it, and have your first bi...

Today, I finally bit the bullet, so to speak and ordered Jacob's first Birthday cake.  I was fine walking into the bakery, fine standing there at the front counter asking who I needed to talk to about placing the order.    Then, Fine ended.   Then, I had to tell the sweet lady at the counter that I wanted one 8" round cake, with white fondant and that it needed baby blue and green polka dots around the edge, adorned with a fondant elephant on top, and I requested that the word "ONE" be spelled out in fondant around the edge as well.   Maybe his cake will look like this one...obviously with different colors or hopefully it'll have more polka dots like this one..   I got teary eyed, my voice was wavering... I'm sure the cashier really wondered why I was crying ordering my son's birthday cake.  I didn't offer an explanation.  I didn't want to have to break down at the bakery counter, telling the lady that my sweet baby, wh...

  The countdown is on, in eleven whole days my baby boy, my angel baby, will be one, and I am a complete and total mess.  Everything is overwhelming me.  I am trying to coordinate his birthday event, which will be small.. maybe just a small balloon release, and  a cake.  The thought of having his birthday cake without him kills me.  I thought I had accepted the fact that my sweet baby boy is in Heaven, and I have. . . But the it's not fair thoughts keep coming back.  It makes it hard to lay in bed at night... I want to talk, to tell someone.  I tell my husband, and he listens, but he doesn't always understand.  He and his ex-wife had experienced miscarriage together, but not stillbirth, he doesn't understand how I am still so upset over losing Jacob. He tends to compare my grief to that of his ex sister in law who also experienced infant loss... and tells me that he doesn't think she even cares... and how he is sure that she is not still u...

2013 has just barely begun, and the one year anniversaries are all quickly rolling around.  If my memory serves me correctly, one year ago today, I visited my doctor, hoping to have some explanation as to why I was spotting.  My concerns were dismissed and I was prescribed medicine for an infection I didn't have.  The next day, I got to see my sweet baby Jake on ultrasound for the second time, this time he was 18 weeks. He was so energetic and happy, rolling all around. The ultrasound tech could hardly take his measurements for that baby's wiggles. :)  For the next five days I took the medicine I had been prescribed, and in a couple more days I will have visited the emergency room for worsened bleeding.  I began watching my used to be favorite show during pregnancy, "A Baby Story", and saw a show where the parents were delivering their rainbow, after first having a stillborn.  They made baskets for parents, much like many of us desire to...

A couple of days ago my mother and I bought Jake his first little Christmas tree.  Yesterday, we went shopping at Hobby Lobby for the ornaments that would accompany the sweet baby's first Christmas ornament I purchased a couple of months ago. I picked out a snowflake garland, little dinosaurs, ,pink, green,orange and blue ornaments as well as some silver ones... and a little snowman tree topper. To finish off his tree I picked out a tiny tree skirt for the bottom.  I have so much blogging to catch up on in the next couple of weeks... I got so busy trying to graduate college... I haven't had to time to visit with all of my bloggy mom friends.    Jake's First Tree Christmas 2012             The Lord is near to all who call upon him Psalm 145:18   My support group gave me the beautiful angel ornament  above at our Walk to Remember this year.   Jake's Snowman tree topper ...

It's approaching Thanksgiving, and many people whom I am friends with on Facebook are posting things they are thankful for everyday as statuses.  This gave me the idea to post here, what moments I am thankful for to have had with Jacob, or things I'm thankful for now, while grieving.     Today I am thankful for the Five Months 3 Weeks and 5 Days I held Jake close to my heart and for the two sacred times I held him in my arms outside my body.   I am thankful for the wonderful Nursing staff and doctors who worked tirelessly to keep Jake and I comfortable in the 21 days  I was hospitalized.   I am incredibly thankful for my supportive family who has shown me continuous love since Jake passed away.   I am thankful for the new gentleman the Lord has placed in my life who is not afraid to acknowledge Jake's life and death and his significance in my life.  He willingly listens when I am sad, and looks at pictures of my sweet ba...

Hi everyone! Hope you have had a great early part of your week!  I'm posting several days of capture your grief in one blog.  There are several missing, because I just don't have anything that applies to those days... such as a shrine or altar... although I love Jake.. I don't have an altar for him.  Also, I really haven't gotten into any projects yet, nor have I become involved with any charity organizations.   Much love to you all!