Stillborn: Still Loved

Mommy Loves Her "Son"shines! After Jake passed away, Payton and I planted a little 4 foot row of sunflowers next to where he and my niece play in the yard. Today, the first thing I noticed when I came outside as that this one is blooming! What a way to make me smile bright and early! Thank you Lord, for such beautiful flowers to start my day off right. I sure do love those boys of mine!!! Have a Great Tuesday! I'm on the blog hop with Tesha today, please join us! :)

Have you ever been somewhere,and suddenly have a big reminder of your loss? I know, I know - You never ever Forget! But, sometimes they can be a little further in the back of your mind. These are some of the triggers I find bother me the most: Small infants, baby carriers in public and strollers ... I really melt every time I see a sweet tiny baby and always wish I was able to carry my sweet boy with me. Baby aisles at stores - I was at Wal-Mart yesterday, and looking at something totally not baby related.. turned around and realized the baby food and such was right behind me... which got me thinking that if Jake had been born on time, and was 41/2 months old... he'd be about old enough to eat baby food... sadness... as we continued through the store... we decided we should get some baby wipes for the kids who seem to always need them for dirty hands and faces... I almost broke down in tears thinking that I should have some with me... that if Jake were here I would ...

Tonight was Jake's older brothers T-ball game.   While he was playing it suddenly came a downpour.   When it first began to rain this rainbow was just forming.  I couldn't help but think Jake sent it to Payton. :)  What a good baby brother he is to watch Payton play!! The sunset was magnificent as it changed as well. I'm happy to announce that his team won both games. :)   Today has been good here.

Hi. I'm so sorry you are here.  If you are looking for ideas on headstones for babies and children please visit the blog address below: http://stillloved.blogspot.com/2013/04/infant-and-child-headstone-ideas.html   Below, is my experience in ordering my stillborn son Jacob's headstone and choosing the perfect wording to go on it. <3 Big hugs to you!   The biggest day of my life since losing Jacob and the funeral was yesterday.  Yesterday, was the day I ordered my sweet baby boy's headstone.  I had originally planned on placing the order on Friday, but for unknown reasons, the owner of the company was out of town and would not return until Monday.   I have been debating for a good while on what I wanted his headstone to say.  I conducted numerous searches on the Internet for infant headstone quotes, epitaphs and so on... I never truly found one that I just loved.  Then, last week I found a website, that ...

Yesterday before huge thunderstorms rolled through town, these dark clouds were looming over head.  I saw this and had to take a picture... if you look closely, it looks like  a heart in the middle of all the grey. I bought this little patriotic pinwheel for Jake the other day.  I have been wanting to take it to him since Monday and hadn't yet.  It was really bugging me, so today I made Payton get in the car with me and we took it to him. At Jake's cemetery this huge tree is what I normally park next to.  It reminds that no matter how bad things get like this tree, God is big. I know i'm covered in his love. Jake's little grave with his new pinwheel Payton picked him more new flowers Jake's dragonfly Love the way the Lord lit up the sky for me on the way home.  This makes me happy!

Lying here in bed, Replaying the last 10 months in my head ... I have so many thoughts of all the things I would do differently if given the chance. 1.) After seeing the first Dr who waved off my maternal instinct that something wasn't right, I would've visited another doctor. That day, not waited the week until my infection was severe. 2.) I would've removed Payton, Jake & I from the household we lived in with my husband, and lies anger and the stress he caused. 3.) I would not have let my husband convince me to help him move my mother in law when I knew I should be home resting. 4.) When I noticed a pattern of abusive behaviors, we would leave... not stay and hope my husband would realize how horrible he was to me. 5.) I would have requested that my visitors be limited after my husband made my mother cry the first night I was admitted to the hospital.  Subjecting us to that sort of stress wasn't a good idea. There's no feeling like having to wo...

Sunday, June 3,2012 has now come and gone.  For the most part, it was uneventful... I lounged in bed until around 11:30 when I decided no matter how much I wanted the day to go away it wouldn't, and I had to face it. We, as a family carried on in our normal lunch routine and smoked some slabs of ribs, chicken and etc... About 4:30pm we left to buy balloons to send Jake since we hadn't gotten any on Saturday afternoon. It was very hard deciding what to get. We decided on baby blue & brown balloons with white polka dots and also some green ducky balloons that said splish splash or something. Very cute! We then ran several other errands and eventually made it to the cemetery.  We took time to write notes on baby feet paper I found and attach them to each balloon. What we didn't realize was that each time we did this we were tangling them up. :)      We headed to release them and they were in a big glob. This just wouldn't work, so we spent the next hou...

  ╰ ☆ ╮   ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ღ  ╰ ☆ ╮ Dear my sweet Jacob,    You were supposed to be here in my arms tomorrow.  Today mommy and Mimi went shopping for groceries.  There were several pregnant ladies out and about.  They made me very sad to see.  I couldn't help but look at them and think that should be me.   I should still be pregnant.  I should be bringing you into the world soon.    You should be in my arms right about now, keeping me up at night.  I should be rocking you to sleep and getting to know each of  your cries, coos and smiles.   After we left the grocery store, I went to buy you balloons to send tomorrow on your due date.  I didn't see any that I wanted.        I have decided that I would rather skip the day completely.  I would love to stay in bed all day and not see anyone or talk to an...