Stillborn: Still Loved

Christian music has played a huge role in my life as I have been grieving.  I heard the song above many many times before Jake passed away and it was one I knew the words to, yet never really heard until after Jake passed away.  One day, in God's perfect timing I had been visiting Jake at the cemetery and was very down and out, missing my baby boy, I got back into my car to go home sobbing, and this song was on.  It says "I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong... take this world, and give me Jesus... this is not where I belong ."  "Where I Belong", Building 429 It is a reminder to me that this world isn't our permanent home.  This journey here on earth will one day end and we will be in our true home, with our Heavenly Father and our sweet babies and other relatives. Also, this song has just found it's way to radio and I have come to Love it.   It's called  "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe  ...

Yesterday I was in town picking up a couple of things for the house, when I saw this sweet little Dragonfly on a hook.  I immediately thought of Jake and thought this would be sweet hanging on the fence in front of his tiny little grave.  So, I bought it. :o)   Today I drove out to the cemetery to take it to him.  Everyone else was busy doing their own thing, so I went by myself.  Normally, when I go the cemetery I'm sad and cry a lot.  Today I felt a great peace, just driving out there...  I had my radio on my favorite christian station and as I got close and was pulling in the song "Praise you In this Storm" by Casting Crowns was on.  I turned up and just sang. I got out and walked to my son's grave and put his little dragonfly on the fence, and moved it a couple of times until I found the spot where I liked it the most.  I put it down low, close to him. :o) Once I placed his dragonfly,  I sat down in t...

One day in January while in the hospital on bed rest I was watching TV because there was not much else to do. My bed had one little speaker on my remote/nurse call light.  I often accidentally dropped it off the side of my bed, so I balanced it on top of my tummy and Jake.... I remember him being so mad. :) it was very cute, I videotaped him kicking the remote ( I'll try and add it soon), lol he was probably rolling his baby eyes, going "mommma,  must you put that on me?".  I love those videos now because its the only time I'll ever get to see him move.  I hoped and prayed the song that happened to be playing in the background wouldn't haunt me one day, but it does... Kenny Chesney's song Reality says "Reality, yeah, sometimes life Ain't all that it's cracked up to be So let's take a chance and live this fantasy 'Cause everybody needs to break free from reality".  Life for me after losing Jake hasn't been all...

Since my son was born still 3 months ago, I have wanted to do something for other parents who have to do the unthinkable and leave their babies in the hospital or watch them leave with a funeral director, instead of bringing them home.  While in the hospital with Jake, my nurses did an amazing job at making things I could keep as memories forever.  They took pictures of him, they made me extra wrist bands with little duckies on them, even though we never wore them.The nurses the night he was born took the time to make a porcelain mold of his tiny hands and feet, so that I could feel them forever.  Then they gathered all of this and put it in a beautiful box.  On top, they layed a manila envelope, containing his hospital certificate of birth to fill out with his tiny footprints on it and a baby book for babies who had passed away.  I was more than grateful to receive such, when I most definitely wasn't expecting it.  I was a bewildered mommy...

Two weeks from today is June 3rd.   June 3rd is a normal day to almost everyone.  For some June 3rd is a day they will go to church, come home, relax, grill, sleep... read a book....etc.     For me, June 3,2012 is a very special day, yet one I am not so much looking forward to.  You see, on October 5,2011, my husband and I  found out that we were expecting a sweet baby, and it would be due on June 3,2012.  December 8,2011 we found out we were having a baby boy and were ecstatic... a little brother for Payton.  The first grandson on my husband's side of the family.  We were naming him on the way home from the doctor's office, and by the middle of the afternoon, he had a name.   He would be forever Jacob Austin. <3 January 22,2012, the date June 3rd , transitioned into a goal, as this was the day I was hospitalized after my water broke prematurely at 21 weeks.  If we could make our due date in June, Jake wo...

Recently I received a newsletter from the baby loss support group I belong to. In it there was this poem.  I really love it.   It touches my heart and speaks volumes of the hopes and dreams mommies and parents have for their babies before they are born.   These things are something I will never get to do with my sweet Jacob. If you'd stayed a little longer, I might have felt you there, I could've told you that your life was the answer to my prayers. If you'd stayed a little longer, I'd have looked into your eyes, and giggled when you giggled, and rocked you when you cried. If you'd stayed a little longer, I would have kissed your cheek, And sang you a lullaby as you drifted off to sleep. If you'd stayed a little longer, I'd have told you of God's love Instead he gets to show you as he holds you up above. I have to stay a little longer, until my work is through. So please wait just a little longer, ...

Thursday was Jacob's three month angelversary. We took two balloons to the cemetery to send him in Heaven.    Each of us wrote Jake a note on this balloon, so that he may have more of our love in Heaven. Payton even wrote a note for his baby brother          Momma before I sent Jake his balloon Jake's Big brother Payton with the balloon he picked out  This star is the one we all wrote messages of love to sweet baby Jake on. While I was releasing my balloon Payton sat down in the middle of the cemetery in front of someone's headstone.   I will always be the proud mommy of a beautiful angel boy and of one sweet beautiful boy here on Earth. I love them both with everything I have. Thank you Jacob for making me a mommy, for the 2nd time, and reminding me how precious life really is.   I'm very proud this Mother's Day

Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of my sweet baby boy Jake, going to Heaven.  I woke up yesterday morning singing a song played at his funeral.  I lie there in bed remembering him for a few minutes... then I realized that in 3 short weeks he was supposed to be here.  I would be 9 months pregnant by now.  My heart is broken.  I hate that time keeps flying by, getting further and further away from when I last held my sweet angel, saw his adorable little face and kissed him.  I know that as we move further into the future, we also move one step closer to Heaven... it's just the meantime that is so rough.  This weekend is Mother's Day, I am planning on visiting my tiny angel at the cemetery.  We, as a family yesterday, went and sent him some balloons.  Each of us wrote a special message to Jake on one.  Payton, his big brother even made sure to tell us to do like we did last time and send Jake our kisses.  Not long ago, Payton and...

The first Sunday in May is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  It is sometimes too hard for mommies who have lost their children to celebrate Mother's Day with mommies who have living children.  I just want to honor all of my other   fellow angel mommies.    Happy Mother's Day! For this mommy, I have a birthday party to go to with my five year old today... I do plan on visiting my sweet angel at the cemetery before hand though.  I miss him so much.  It's very hard to wake up on a Mother's Day and know that although I still have one sweet, precious boy, my other precious boy is in Heaven and I'll spend every Mother's Day for the rest of my life missing him. I hope each of you have a happy Mother's Day, both today and next Sunday as well.