Friday, August 3, 2012

It's hard to say goodbye

Ok, so I've waited a couple of days to post this because sometimes I feel like I repeat myself over and over again... maybe just change the pictures.  Maybe it's official i'm a broken record after all. :)

These lyrics sum up how i'd like Jake to be... just with me - not so much in a song...
Put You In A Song <3

Yesterday Payton and I were out and about and I decided that we would go visit my Jakey at the cemetery.  When we got there everything was as it should be.  The bee pinwheel I bought for him a couple of weeks ago was standing like it should, his bee and mini yellow pinwheel were standing upright beside it.  

I love the big smiles on the bees.   I am saddened though each time I must drive to the cemetery to see my baby boy instead of being able to hold him in my arms.  I am saddened that all I have to see are bees.  Oh how I would love to see my sweet baby boy's big smile.  I know it would've been beautiful.


 All I see when I visit my baby is this small square of red clay, where my baby boy's tiny body is resting.  It is the only place where I feel like I can talk to him.  Yesterday I told him how much his mommy loves him and misses him.  I told him that I brought Payton with me to see him.  I told him that he would be getting his horsey soon and how I couldn't wait.   Then it was time to go, it is almost a 100 degrees and keeping myself and Payton out in the heat for long amounts of time doesn't make sense, even though it's the only way I can visit my boy.  I would love to spend all day with him, but  that's not feasible and there is no reason to stay there all day long.
Payton wanted me to take a picture of him on the way to my car
This is when I say Goodbye each time I visit
I love these crosses above Jake's grave, but I hate this view.   I hate getting back in my car knowing that I am leaving Jake here.  I sometimes just sit in my car and stare... dreading the moment where I turn my car and can no longer see him.  When I am turned facing the road ... back to my daily life.  Yesterday after visitng the cemetery we needed to go to Wal-Mart for a few things.  Of course Payton had to go to the bathroom while we were there and the bathroom in the front of the store was closed, soooo we went to the back... and had to walk by this... the baby section. My worst enemy.   I went to visit my baby yesterday but he doesn't need these things... he never will.  It's hard.  I hate it.  We turned the corner, and faced diapers and clothes and such... oh how I wish I had a button to make these things disappear on cue.
I am lots better than I was a couple of months ago.  But, my heart still hurts.  
I have a feeling it always will.
 Next Friday Jake will have been in Heaven 6 whole months.  A half a year already... I'm not sure where the time has gone or how life has continued on. I found out earlier this week that his headstone will be finished and delivered sometime in the middle of next week or closer to the end.  I keep trying to imagine how I am going to react when I see it being installed.. the truth is, I have not the slightest idea.  I want to be excited. I mean I don't have much to be excited about... but it  also makes me sad... Jake will officially look buried.  He won't just have a tiny space there in our small cemetery, but an actualy headstone and everything...


  1. ((((Hugs))) to you!! Thinking of you and sending my love to you & your family!

  2. You will always have that ache, I know I do. It just becomes a different kind of grief. It is still hard at times to walk past the baby section. Though Lily would be a toddler now, in my heart, she will always be my little baby. I went shopping for a little girl who shares my birthday (she turned 4 and I turned 23). It was bittersweet and felt so natural to shop for a little girl, which I should be doing all the time. I felt sad, but it was special. I think as time goes on, you learn to embrace the happy moments and just experience the sadness, but move on and not dwell in it. I wish both our babies were here with us.