Monday, August 6, 2012

Not your ordinary pictures

I haven't laid in bed unable to sleep for a good while and I'm grateful for that. A couple of nights ago I randomly woke up about 1:15 and wasn't able to go back to sleep. My pregnancy with Jake and my hospital stay was on my mind. I was thinking about the fact that I wanted professional maternity pictures made, but never had them made... I wasn't expecting to deliver Jake 4 months early.
Instead, the maternity pictures I have are ones that I took of myself with my phone. 

The first one is from the first time I visited the ER, my mother in law was with Payton in the waiting room and asked me to take one because he could not come see me. 

After that I was sent home on complete bed rest... only to come back 2 days later after my water broke.  I shot some while bored in my hospital room one day not long before I was flown to Houston.
These pictures depict a mommy who knows she may not see her baby boy moving in her tummy for very much longer. I wanted a picture of exactly what I saw... 
My pictures document the hurt of a lengthy hospital stay trying to save Jake. I remember laying in bed after my IV was removed from my arm, hurting and not being able to believe the size and color of the bruise...  but thinking how willing I was to have this monster bruise if it meant saving my sweet boy.
I think the flash interfered with how dark and painful this bruise actually looked.

When my family would come visit they took photos of Payton and I. I'm so happy to have pictures of myself and my boys. I laugh because I really don't remember being as huge as these pictures make me look. I'm not sure if IV fluids puffed me up some or if somehow I'd managed to hide Jake's baby bump from myself really well. :) Needless to say,these are the only pictures  I'll ever have.  
Haha, Payton and my mother bought me new nighties.. this one said I need my beauty sleep since I was woken up it seems like once an hour every night...

These photos aren't what most people have... I don't typically look back on these and smile... these are just more reminders of the hard battle Jake and I fought and all the confidence I had in my precious boy. I wasn't ever going to give up on him and was clinging to him tightly...
I had my phone on my tummy, trying to make Jake kick it off. : -)  I'm still convinced I wasn't that huge... lol

My maternity pictures include ones that I quickly snapped as I was being whisked down the hallways of one hospital,  en route to the next hospital where my world would come crashing down 2 short nights later. 

This was the flight paramedic who came to scoop me up and fly me away

These are pictures I don't visit much in my phone, and have only looked at once from our camera. My heart breaks seeing my smiling naive, stubborn face knowing what the lady in those pictures didn't know then.  I never dreamed just a week or so later I would be planning Jake's funeral...

Did you have time to have maternity photos taken if you wanted, or did you miss the oppurtunity too?  Do you think you would smile when you looked at them and remember your sweet baby living happily or be sad at the reminder of your baby leaving for Heaven?


  1. The only maternity pictures I have are the belly shots I took on my cell phone. And two or so that my photographer friend took one day at work. I tend to see them scrolling back looking for other pictures, and it makes me sad. I am so glad that I have them, but it's hard to look at them wondering if I will be that happy again.

    1. Ashley i'm so glad you have a few to look at. That seems to be the only way I look at them too. They always catch me off guard. It doesn't help that in my phone I have pictures of life happy in the days prior, my hospital picture from the first afternoon... all my belly photos, then it goes to pictures of Jake and then his tiny grave. I hate it! It always makes me sad. I wonder too if I'll ever be close to the same again. :)

  2. I wish I had maternity pictures done by a photographer! I was planning on getting them made. I never thought I wouldn't have the chance!

    1. I never imagined for a second that I wouldn't get the chance. I hate that so many of us had such huge plans and dreams and there's nothing we can do now but keep dreaming, only now of what it would've been like. I know you will have beautiful pictures of you and your precious new baby love. :)

  3. I also only have the belly photos that I took of myself on my phone, and a couple that were taken of my husband and I at a Christmas party, that aren't really maternity photos at all.

    I am lucky to have a few photos with my son while he was still alive, but they're painful to look at as he is covered in tubes and wires, and I know what I had just been through and what was to come.


  4. Lisa, I can only imagine how hard it is to have photos of your precious Finley with all of those tubes and wires. If you would like there are several places here that will retouch your photos for free. They may be able to remove those tubes and such from your pictures. Please feel free to email me for the links at

    I understand the hurt your photos bring, knowing now what you didn't then. My prayers are with you!

  5. I took some pretty photos when I was 25 weeks pregnant, but wish I had taken them at fullterm. I keep kicking myself that I didn't when my sister kept trying to get me to...if only I had known those would be the only ones I would ever have. :( I wish I could go back, but do treasure what I have. I would be both happy/sad to have them. I wish we both could have had our professional maternity photos