Stillborn: Still Loved

Hello to all of my sweet readers.  It feels as if it's been forever since I've written a word.  I've been so busy!  My precious rainbow baby Avery Grace arrived July 25th.  She was 5 pounds, 2.6 oz and 18 1/2 healthy inches long.       Friday, the 25th, started out like any other day.  I woke up, made breakfast for Payton and I, then began cleaning our house.  I cleaned every single surface in the kitchen.  I did the dishes, mopped the floors and cleaned the counters high and low.  Then I moved on to the living room, picking up toys and such... vacuuming.  I stopped to rest briefly, then continued on through the house making up beds and other random things.  About 2:30 in the afternoon I sat down on the couch and noticed I had a really big contraction... I thought I had over-done it and decided it'd be best to lie down.  I went and lied down and timed contractions.  I had two that were 4 minutes apart...

Today a good friend of mine from high school is scheduled to be induced with her second baby.  As I was praying for her this morning , her sweet son and her staff at the hospital... I broke down in tears.  It's so hard to watch people do something so normal, when I have been a part of the 1 in 4 who had something terrible happen.  I've experienced stillbirth.  This is the first person who has given birth that I haven't hidden from my Facebook newsfeed... it hasn't been painful to watch her pregnancy... so now, for it to sting surprises me.  I can't help but think what a blessing babies are... and how grateful I am for my children.  Yes, life in the year since Jacob's death has been difficult and hard to bear at times... but I have learned more about myself and my relationship with the Lord than ever before.    I will push through the tears today and thoughts of the bittersweet time I had with my youngest son today...knowing tha...

Tears are common in grief, especially in the early days,weeks and months following loss. For me the further I move away from loss, less and less tears fall. I have become used to the sadness and pain of losing Jacob and live with it daily.  So yesterday, driving down the road with Jake's big brother Payton to his t-ball game I really wasn't suspecting tears.  My son and my niece were being kids, pestering each other with their feet and toys and funny names... then it all stopped and they were quiet. We were listening to the radio when Payton out of the blue says to me, "momma, I wish Jacob was here." "He would have so much fun playing with me and Avery."  Avery is their little sister (my rainbow, due in August).  I was so sad, I got teary eyed.  If only he knew how much I wish every single day that my sweet Jacob was here with us too. I would love for the boys to be able to play together and protect their baby sister.    I look...

Many times a week I see parents searching the internet for infant and child headstone ideas, as well as stillborn baby epitaphs, and epitaphs for infants.  I hope I can be of some help to all of these parents.  I have been in your shoes, "Googling" all of these exact terms, trying to find the perfect stone and wording for my son's very own headstone.  I know all of these decisions are hard and you wish anyone but you had to make them, but I promise you, you will get through it. << Big hugs to you>> Most of the ideas for headstones below are from the monument company here in Texas that I ordered my son's headstone from.  I'm sure other monument companies across the world could replicate these if you just ask. The first one I came across is Winnie the Pooh.  It is fairly common here in Texas and often used for older children.   Most babies and children are comforted by a teddy bear, why not give them an everlasting teddy with a headston...

  Here comes Peter Cottontail... hopping down the bunny trail...   but my tiniest boy isn't here for Easter this year either.  It seems so unreal that this will already be my second year without Jake.   My baby boy should be toddling around as fast as his little legs could take him to each Easter egg hiding place.  This week he should be having his first experience with dunking his tiny fingers and eggs into cups of dye, and turning them colors for the perfect Easter weekend... But even more, he should be here with his family to learn about Jesus dying on the cross, being buried, and him rising again... That's most important.  I know he probably already knows everything he needs to know now, in Heaven.  I just wish I could've taught him.   I'm sure the Easter Bunny will visit my sweet baby Jake's little spot out in the country and leave a giant Easter egg or two... just for decoration.   This Easter hasn't hit m...

  Not long ago I was strolling around our local Wal-Mart for various and assorted things we needed around the house.  I've been wanting for a good while to plant Jacob some flowers, so I ventured out to their garden center.  I found so many beautiful flowers, it was all I could do not to buy one of them all. :)  I bought two pots of these daffodils. I believe they were $1.30 a piece.     I also found these purple petunias, and decided they would look great in front of Jacob's headstone.   In addition to the Petunias and Peach and White daffodils, I also bought these yellow daffodils and two brilliantly red tulips.  These were about $.82 a piece.   Later, I purchased a planter box and potting soil, went home and dug my fingers into the dirt and placed them all like I wanted them, then drove them to my baby boy.   This is the arrangement in front of his headstone.  I planted the peach/white daffodils on ...

It has been almost a month since Jacob's first birthday in Heaven.  For the most part we had a good day as a family.  As always, I had a hard time leaving my sweet baby boy at the cemetery.  I hated for his little body to be there all by himself on his birthday.  After we released our balloons we came home  as a family and ate a small lunch and birthday cake.  It was a good day... one with some tears and great memories of a precious boy, gone too soon.  These tags were attached to the bottom of the 20 balloons we released.    momma before I handed out the balloons for release   Jake's papa also held some... he thought he was being funny :)   Jake's big brother, Uncle Cody and Aunt Jackie This is my 3 yr old niece holding hers to send to Jake   away they flew...  fly to Heaven Jake's First Birthday Cake   The same stationer friend that created the balloon tags, also creat...

Baby Boy, A year has come and gone since I first learned that a band of angels had come and taken you home on that sweet chariot.  My heart has been broken for a whole year.  All of the hopes and dreams I had for you are long gone and in their place lies what could've beens and what should've beens.  Although you don't live here with me, people everywhere are learning from you, and what you've taught me.  Because of you 65 other hurting angel mommies have somewhere to turn on sad days. Today is your first birthday.  Yesterday I picked up your birthday cake. It's vanilla, with vanilla buttercream frosting.  I'm not sure why I ordered it so plain... when there was so many flavors to choose from.  Your sweet little cake has blue and green fondant polka dots around the edge, and a big blue elephant on top of the cake, beside a little circle that says 'ONE'. I really love it. Oh, how I wish you could be here to see it, and have your first bi...

Today, I finally bit the bullet, so to speak and ordered Jacob's first Birthday cake.  I was fine walking into the bakery, fine standing there at the front counter asking who I needed to talk to about placing the order.    Then, Fine ended.   Then, I had to tell the sweet lady at the counter that I wanted one 8" round cake, with white fondant and that it needed baby blue and green polka dots around the edge, adorned with a fondant elephant on top, and I requested that the word "ONE" be spelled out in fondant around the edge as well.   Maybe his cake will look like this one...obviously with different colors or hopefully it'll have more polka dots like this one..   I got teary eyed, my voice was wavering... I'm sure the cashier really wondered why I was crying ordering my son's birthday cake.  I didn't offer an explanation.  I didn't want to have to break down at the bakery counter, telling the lady that my sweet baby, wh...

  The countdown is on, in eleven whole days my baby boy, my angel baby, will be one, and I am a complete and total mess.  Everything is overwhelming me.  I am trying to coordinate his birthday event, which will be small.. maybe just a small balloon release, and  a cake.  The thought of having his birthday cake without him kills me.  I thought I had accepted the fact that my sweet baby boy is in Heaven, and I have. . . But the it's not fair thoughts keep coming back.  It makes it hard to lay in bed at night... I want to talk, to tell someone.  I tell my husband, and he listens, but he doesn't always understand.  He and his ex-wife had experienced miscarriage together, but not stillbirth, he doesn't understand how I am still so upset over losing Jacob. He tends to compare my grief to that of his ex sister in law who also experienced infant loss... and tells me that he doesn't think she even cares... and how he is sure that she is not still u...

2013 has just barely begun, and the one year anniversaries are all quickly rolling around.  If my memory serves me correctly, one year ago today, I visited my doctor, hoping to have some explanation as to why I was spotting.  My concerns were dismissed and I was prescribed medicine for an infection I didn't have.  The next day, I got to see my sweet baby Jake on ultrasound for the second time, this time he was 18 weeks. He was so energetic and happy, rolling all around. The ultrasound tech could hardly take his measurements for that baby's wiggles. :)  For the next five days I took the medicine I had been prescribed, and in a couple more days I will have visited the emergency room for worsened bleeding.  I began watching my used to be favorite show during pregnancy, "A Baby Story", and saw a show where the parents were delivering their rainbow, after first having a stillborn.  They made baskets for parents, much like many of us desire to...