Expectations

 

       Everyone expects the best most of the time... no one thinks that any bad will ever come to them.  It is with a sad heart that I say I am one of those people who is used to watching other people's misfortune and praising the Lord it wasn't me. I could pray for that person or family and volunteer to do whatever they may have needed.  It wasn't until I began having a problematic abusive marriage and was hospitalized after my water broke early with Jake that I realized that sometimes expectations aren't met. 

       Great expectations seem like the devil to someone who is in pain.  Even while I was hospitalized I tried to keep my good expectations, that somehow my situation would turn around... that my sweet Jake would be ok, and I would have a happy healthy baby boy.  I expected the Lord to do as I wanted him to, even though I prayed for his will to be done.  I expected my husband to turn into a better man than he was and care for his son and wife.  I don't think my expectations were too much.  I don't think it was more than the Lord was willing to do.  I don't feel that I was unworthy of a sweet baby boy and husband who loved me.  I believe that even though the Lord knew I'd be in pain, he knew what he had planned for my life.  He knew that after the loss of my son I would draw even closer to him. 

        I am very much an optimist in all situations.  I will always look for the good in situations before I look for the bad.  I however will not say that after my expectations for the perfect life and family have not been met just yet... that it is not harder to find good in all situations.  It is very much harder to now not look at what used to be wonderful and wonder if something bad may happen.  I guess that this is in self-defense.. if you look for even the slightest possiblity of a problem... of something to go wrong, you will already have a plan in place for when and if it does go wrong. 

     I know the Lord has a plan in place for when things go wrong or don't meet my expectations.  I just have to keep my faith in the Lord and know that eventually all will be right, even when they feel so incredibly wrong.





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