Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Trip to the Zoo

   Saturday afternoon my sister, niece, mother and I took a trip to the local zoo.  We thought it would be good to get out and enjoy the sunshine together and the much needed girl time.  We loaded up the wagon in the back of my car and took off.  We got to the zoo with about an hour and a half to spend strolling around looking at the animals. 
      We got to the zoo and I was so happy to go wander around the zoo with my sweet Adleigh and show her the giraffes she had been waiting to see.  She had been telling me she was going to feed them and ride a baby one and how she wanted one at her house.
     As we walked toward the ticket booth, Adleigh decided she wanted to walk and didn't want me to pull her in the wagon, so I hurried back to my car with it, so I wasn't stuck pulling an empty wagon.  That's when it hit me.  There were strollers and babies everywhere.  I'd never have the chance to take Jake to the zoo.  I'd never get to watch his eyes light up in wonder at the animals.  I couldn't help but have a mini breakdown... my eyes filled up with tears and I just cried as I walked back to my car.  Who knew that something so normal to everyone else could affect a mommy so badly.  I loaded up the wagon, regained my composure and returned to the ticket booth.  After all, there were giraffes to see and duckies to feed.  For the rest of the trip around the zoo, it seemed all I noticed were the strollers, and people with babies, it was like we were following them... everywhere I looked there they were.  And to make matters worse, they all seemed to be baby boys.  I tried to be happy for the trip, and managed to hold back the tears... it was after we left that I realized how sad I was.  It had been a couple of weeks since I had felt so utterly sad and depressed.  

  As I drove my sister who was sitting in my passenger seat noticed I was troubled.  She asked if I was ok and said I looked like I was going to cry.  She had no clue how right she was.    Later that night after dinner with the family at our local mexican restaurant Posado's, I came home and lost it.  I layed in my bed looking at pictures of my angel, touching his sweet hands and feet on the porcelain mold the nurses made for me and thinking how horribly unfair it is that I don't have my baby boy.  That my baby is in Heaven.  I wondered why people who in my mind don't deserve kids,(people who do drugs, people who abuse their kids),  have happy healthy babies and mine passed away.  All I could do was cry.  I unwrapped Jake's stuffed lamb, layed out the blanket he was placed in and just snuggled it as close to me as possible... it's all I have that was close to him.  Eventually the crying stopped and I went to bed... just as sad.. missing my baby boy... when I awoke the next morning my face showed the pain from the night before.  My  eyes were so swollen they wouldn't open but about halfway... that's about how I felt as well... as if I was half there... half of me is here on Earth and the other half is in Heaven with Jake. I Love him so very much and miss him like crazy every single day.  
I can only imagine how joyous the day will be when we are together again in Heaven and look forward to that day.


  1. You have said exactly what I was feeling today. I went to the store and it seemed everyone had a baby boy. I stopped at the cemetery and as I sat there I thought about how I was caught between Heaven and Earth. I thought I was the only one feeling that way. Thank you for sharing. I miss my son so much. I wish you peace and God Bless you and your family.

    1. I'm glad to know that I too am not the only one who ever feels this way. It is so very hard to do lots of things that I did before Jake passed away. I know exactly how you felt in the store, my eye always catches the babies, strollers and baby section first and my heart breaks each time. :) I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Happy early Mother's Day!